8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… 😔

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

🔎💔💔💔💔

xoxoLaLa

Your time will come, but until then enjoy your own ride!

I feel like we all have that one thing that we would love to accomplish. Or experience but find it hard to get to that.

Did you ever just wake up and just be in such a good mood for a million different reasons but don’t know why? Or maybe even how?

Just having a good outlook on life and want to be able to include someone in it with you?

No?

Oh really?

Seriously????

🤔🤔🤔 I guess it’s just me then

Lol

Well anyways I get like this from time to time. There are times when I just wake up and wish I was rolling over to someone being right there or even just a good morning text. Or to have someone to send that text to…

See I have always been that kind of person. I think it’s important to take time to appreciate the person that you are with and be with them for all the right reasons and not just because you don’t want to be alone. That should never be a reason to end up with someone but for some reason that is some people’s biggest fears. I was once like that. Then I stopped caring that much.

I’ve noticed a lot of people guys.. girls.. old and young literally post the same status about the same subject. Talking about something along the lines of wanting to find someone worth their time. Or that they go out of their way to reach out to the people they are interested in but get nothing back. And they feel a certain way but everyone seems to leave out the fact that on the other hand while they are giving someone….. or trying to give someone all this attention that isn’t interested there is someone on the other side trying to reach out to them to get their attention but yet they ignore them.

Yes I am confident enough to say that. Everyone does that. It is just the way this generation is set up. It’s a little crazy. Probably why people stay with people for the wrong reasons because they are afraid to start over.

It shouldn’t be like that.

I’ve done it and had things like that happen to me to where I didn’t feel important at all and 2 years and some later I am still single but I can be okay with that because just seeing how people are these days it kind of just makes me enjoy this life a little more.

Not saying that it was what I wanted. But saying it is what I can live with and be fine with. Buttttttttttt that doesn’t change the fact that I am the kind of person I am. I still have a little hope and maybe one day to run into someone worth my time but I am not counting on that lol

The purpose of this little piece today was just for anyone who can relate and to understand that you do not need to pour all your energy into someone that doesn’t even look in your direction. It is not the end of the world. No where near it. Like they say. There is someone out there for everyone.

But how true is that?

People will put in the amount of effort that they want and we, being on the other side have no control over that.

img_3949

XoxoLaLa

Relationship Goals?

I am definitely a passionate person
I am also a person who loves love
I have been in love and more recently been out of love
I have fallen out of love with so many different things that I was once passionate about
Which saddens me a little

I have always had that picture perfect image in my head where I would find someone
..well more like he would find me…
(some people make it look so easy)
But it is not that way at all. Two years and still I wonder where I am suppose to be in life.
Am I meant for this lifestyle? Or am I suppose to wait? Or should I step out my comfort zone?

It honestly terrifies me of putting myself out there.
It sucks… almost all of the time…
I dont know how many times I’ve been blown off or forgotten or even just ignored…
&& that in itself just makes me wonder what is wrong with me.. or what have I been doing wrong this whole time…

Something that I have realized that is a pattern that we all do is, we do the same thing to other people all the time..
Ignoring someone who you aren’t interested in and in the same breathe wonder why you can’t find that “perfect” person.
We only want to give chances to the “wrong” people and probably 8 times out of 10 its all about how the person looks which can be unfortunate, but in some cases. It doesn’t matter what you look like… you just never had a chance to begin with..

Lets just get right down to it…
I am one of those people who love, love!
I love seeing happiness in others
I love seeing the passion that people hold towards each other
It is one of those things that makes me happy and even have some hope for myself

I’ve always told myself one day it will be your turn.
One day you will find someone who can’t stop thinking about you!
Everything seems to be one day..
&& maybe it is true.. maybe it is not…
But that I don’t know for sure. unfortunately.

I find myself going out of my way more often I probably should to see how someone is
To see how their day or week is going…
Or maybe even to just say hey hi hello
To just check in after a few weeks
&& still there has been so many times where I have been left on read…
There aren’t a whole lot of people out there that will take time out of their day to see how someone is doing and actually mean it.
It is one of the things that frustrates me with this day and age.. it is terrible
..but what can you do?
Besides hope for the best for everyone you encounter even if it isn’t a mutual thing, it still counts for something! 🙂

Even though I am the way I am.. I still have always had hope floating around me
&& believe me when I say.. sometimes it feels like its the end of the world and all you want to do is beat yourself up over the things you can’t control and that might make you feel alone but you are never alone! You just have to remember that day in and day out!

I could say a lot more on this subject
But I will end it here…
&& maybe continue it at another time,
so until then..

Don’t worry, be happy
&& smile daily ❤
xoxoLaLa