Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

Memories

Memories are made to last forever.
The good, the bad, and of course the ugly.

Since I have moved I have been a happier person. Getting out on my own again.. coming home to my own home is one of the best feelings in the world to me. (Just one of them)
I have unpacked all of my things and what lay on my dresser faithfully?  My iPad.

It has been dead for months.Way before I have even moved, but it holds all the old conversations I didn’t want to lose throughout the years. The connections that I hold dear to me? Not all but some. I thought about it more recently to go back and look at some messages.. some texts..

The ones that made me feel something more..
The ones that made me want to stay up all night for
The ones that I looked forward to every morning
To be able to smile to the sweetness of your presents
To feel that warmth and happiness that once was alive

I want to relive the old conversation that once made me smile from ear to ear.
I want to feel that happiness that once filled my body day in and day out
I want the life that I once had with you when I thought it was the world.
I want that feeling again but I do not dare to stroll down memory lane.

Because it is not you that I want

Things always happen for a reason whether it is good or bad.
This one was for the better..
It was for the better because it was my choice. It was my future that I altered..
…for the better? Maybe… Yes

For years now I have felt like I have once made a mistake and I was suppose to stay
…Stay because I did’t want to be alone..
Stay because you were there..
Stay because it was all I had known for so long.
Stay because it was comfortable

But

Since then I have moved on
Not in the same way as before
But in a way where I “found” myself
I learned more about myself and the things that I enjoyed

I skipped going down memory lane.
Not because I miss you
Not because I need you
Not because I want you

But because I am better then the past
&& Memories will be memories

xoxoLaLa