Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

Why Companionship?

Does that word mean anything?

It seems more like an old legend most days, to me anyways.
I’ve told myself time and time again that its not in the cards for me.
People can be so shady, most of the time if not all of the time.
It’s like honesty never existed and its a myth.
Something that my great great great great great great great great grandparents came up with..
(not really, but you get my drift)

But why?
Why do we want the comfort from another soul?
Why do we crave for that love? That attention…
Why do we feel those things as if they are needs?
Some of us might find ourselves doing something out of the normal just to get that attention… just to feel wanted by someone… who doesn’t give two fs about you.
To one day wake up and they walk out on you before you get the chance to..
It’s crazy.
It’s ridiculous.
It’s sad….
But it is real…

Feeling forgotten.
Feeling unloved.
Feeling like you don’t belong.
Feeling like nobody.
Feeling like the world doesn’t understand you.
Feeling like you have nothing.
Feeling lost.
Feeling damn near dead inside.
Feeling all the bad things you could ever dream imaginable…

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times, personally, that I’ve sat around,
cancelled plans, came up with excuses to sit around hating everything and sulk in misery from what someone caused me, blaming myself for things that I could not control.
It sucked
It really sucked…

Just to maybe get the chance at happiness.
A chance to see what this life is all about.
A moment to feel happy.
To feel like I belonged somewhere..
To be loved..
Finally.

But…
More times I’ve been blown off instead.
Treated like nothing.
Completely ignored, forgotten
Like I literally wasn’t a person
Like I wasn’t a person with a beating heart, that had feelings….
I could never understand what I had done wrong.
What was wrong with me? (that was always the first thing that came into my head)
How can I fix this?
What can I do to change things?
Wishing I could turn back time…
Wishing I could make things right.. that were never meant to be that way… unfortunately

But the only thing that I really needed to be was something completely different
I needed to be stronger….
I needed to become the person that I once was many years ago
The person who was to young to care and only wanted to have a good laugh and stay up late
Playing board games and card games…
Way before I knew anything about “championships”

But,
The bad seed of people would come back again…
With the same lines and the same routine….
I always gave second, third even tenth chances…
I don’t know why I did….
I know…  why I did…
I just wanted to be wanted… but that was the wrong way to get that attention…
Why is it so bad to want that feeling?
Why does it seem like it is so rare to come across?
Is everyone really this shitty?
Who knows..
One day I will learn.
Lessons are learned everyday.
Some people just take a little longer to fully understand what is being taught.
I will get there one day
I promise I will….

I need to look out for myself, because no one else will do that for me
I have to look out for the bad and replace it with the good
I have to realize that not everyone is on my side..
I have to realize that I am not an option when everything else fails..
I have to see, I have to see that it is not the way to continue to live my life.

I have to be strong
I have to take control
I have to get my life back
I have to find the things that made me happy
I have to recover all that I have lost
I have to move forward, and never look back
I have to be a strong soul for myself and my family
I have to be the one who can inspire
I have to be myself
I have to put myself first
I have to say “Fuck the rest”

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xoxoLaLa