8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… πŸ˜”

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

πŸ”ŽπŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

xoxoLaLa

The Battle of Puebla

I think this subject comes up every so often when it comes to the holiday Cinco de Mayo.

Does anyone really know or even care how this became a holiday or what it even stands for?

My guess is going to be a lot of people do not know.

I rarely remember anything, especially when it comes to history.

I’ll snooze on through it.

But in all serious the Battle of Puebla was a thing && the reason why so many of us celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

It’s also kind of funny to me to think that there are so many people out there.. In the US who have this thing against other cultures. But from what I’ve seen, it all seems to go away when it comes to having a reason to drink.

Crazy isn’t it?

Now I don’t know a whole lot about the history of this holiday && I did not drink any tequila.. Sorry.

But I do know that it was considered a minor event that literally only took like 4 days.

&& on May 9th, Cinco de Mayo was declared a holiday.

Not to be confused with the independence of Mexico.

(Completely different time)

But anyways.

I hope everyone had a good day && if you chose to drink like myself, good for you.

Even though I am not super big on drinking. I figured today would be a good day to do so, just not go super crazy && keep it classic with myself && have a drink made with pineapple 😁

Happy Sunday/Cinco de Mayo!

xoxoLaLa

Undiscovered Love

The reason I am alone is because of you,
It has been years,
years of me wanting you && only you
Years of wanting,
years of dreaming of my happiness, with you

There is something about you that can bring a smile to my face
There is something about you that will brighten my day
The only reason why my heart can skip a beat after all this time
The connection that we have is what can make some jealous

My heart goes out to you
My heart beats for you
My life would be complete with you right next to me
But somethings have to wait,
The years that we have spent have been enjoyable

&& with you,
you never left my mind,
you’ve always have a spot in my heart
Where it beats, forever && a day..

Even if it is not with me…

That is the kind of love that some people have no yet discovered.
Some are selfish && don’t wish to let the other person grow.
They don’t want them to seek true happiness when they know it is not with them anymore…

What one might fail to see is that no matter what
Your heart will keep beating.
Yes, it might hurt for sometime, but it is still beating.
It is still in you
It is still yours

We all suffer a lost love at least once in our life time
&& that is okay.

Remember that,
Cherish that,

You will live another day,
You will love another more,

Remember the good times,
Cherish the memories,
Smile at them always,

But remember yourself first

You are not the reason that I am alone
You are not the reason that my heart beats
You are the reason that I can see clear
You are the reason I am free
Free as a bird
Free as a bee

Forever you will remember me

❀️

xoxoLaLa

 

Taking A Long Break To Live Like An Adult

Frick Frack Cadillac
Look at that, Oh hey LaLa’s Back (in actionnnnnnnnn) *screaming*

HEYYYYYYYY

How is everyone doing on this mighty fine day!? I’m going to assume everyone is in tip top amazingly fantesticle shape && feeling fabtastic on a stick.

Now…
Moving on to more important news.
So I have been in my “first” apartment for over a year now and it went by super fast and it is such a great feeling of accomplishment until…..
Them bills start flying in and it is just solely, taking on all financials by myself, the last places that I have lived were with people that I was dating at the time.

blah blah.

But that has all changed because I am a sack of shit no one wants! πŸ™‚

(lmao totally joking)

But seriously it is sooo nice,

like so, so so nice to be able to have something like your space, your own place to yourself. It is be bees knees.. lol

It is obviously an accomplishment and is an amazingly good feeling. Something that I have not felt like ever in my many years of life and adulthood which is nice, its a nice change of pace.

Along with getting my own place, I have been working literally all the time, (usually working 6 days a week) but that has changed a little to me actually working 7 days a week for a few weeks. About a month and that is a motherfucking killer, making my weekends the longest work days at 12 hour days waking up around 6 in the morning to get home around 9:30 at night.

I know it is crazy, it is like I am addicting to working or something .

I am obsessed with being independent lol look at me committing a “crime.”

But since then I have slowed down a little with my work life. Losing a job is NOT the best thing to deal with in the world but it obviously happens. And it happened to this gal! (two thumbs up to myself) #adultlife

I know it’s not a joking matter but I am slowly waiting for my life to just fall apart completely, yay!

What else is new..

but enough about the boring lets keep this conversation moving into a more “positive” light.

So like I have mentioned before, in the beginning of this blog I am back, (that whole frick frack Cadillac bid) I haven’t really left. I have been around, just not posting a whole lot. I enjoy reading other blogs and hearing their stories.

I also enjoy writing my own things a lot so don’t be surprised if you see tons of posts out of know where, trust me it will be as normal as possible. I have literally over 50 drafts that are sitting and waiting to be finished.

I know.. I know

But that is the fun part about writing. I would love to know what you guys have been up to if anything or if you have been looking or waiting for me to post (probably not, but one can dream)

Anyways.

I feel like this is

………

Bless me!

( I literally can’t with this sneezing shit, it just ruins the mood, ha)

Well now with that I am outta here, stuffy nose and all.
Just a heads up, if you made it this far you will realize that I clearly went off track and had nothing else to add to this blog but the main purpose was to let all you fantastic people know that I am still here! (trying)

xoxoLaLa

Just Wait

Lately I have seen a handful of people find someone.
People that have went “forever” beingΒ alone.

They seem to have found happiness all at once…
And that makes me happy

It makes me so happy to see other people happy.
It is sort of like a sense of hope,

a sense of worth.

Just all around exciting.

I often wonder when my turn will be.
No rush.
Just something I wonder…

Just thinking about it, makes me think of the little things that I miss…

So many little things….

Just thinking about them give me a small smile.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.
Happiness at its finest.

I wonder if I will ever be able to have that sort of happiness again…

It is one of those things that I feel like every single one of us goes through.
We can all often wonder things of that nature when we feel alone,
Or have been alone for a certain period of time.

I am no expert,
Obviously
But I know that things can happen.
Just don’t think about them so much, it will make it worst!

Believe me when I say..

That I have a list in my head,
in my mind,
in my soul

That I replay over and over and over again, each time with a smile bigger than the last

I will be worth it

xoxoLaLa