A Story. Feelings.

I hate the feeling of being alone.

It’s so easy to get lost in some of the things that we have that are apart of our lives.

I sometimes seem to forget that it is just me.

Thinking too much. (It’s becoming a rare thing) thankfully!

But just having that want of someone else to share life with seems like a dying thing.

There are things that I think are “together” things but when left alone I feel completely lost.

Only to remind myself that it is just me.

Sometimes I do feel like it will always just me, && I halfway am accepting of that…

Even with some happiness and being hopeful… I feel as if it is just a phase.

Somethings are just never meant to be understood.

I wish I could understand most things like that though but only

Without any feeling.

No hurt. No pain. No emotion.

Just the knowledge.

No overreacting. No caring. No emotion.

It’s currently a Thursday night.

Didn’t work all day.

Did a lot of running around.

Some studying.

Alone.

Now that the time is getting closer to the end of the day.

I wish I had something going on for me.

I work a lot. && those days get missed.

I miss so many things.

But then when I have time.

More hours. Even days.

I’m usually stuck with nothing.

No one.

Just me.

Just alone.

Just debating my next move.

Still dressed.

Makeup still on.

Just want to do something. With someone.

But why does that always seem so much to ask for?

No one cares?

Why does no one care?

Running around in circles with myself trying to make sense of the smallest things.

Then it all makes sense.

It’s just me.

I remember a few years ago…

Being by myself. I felt different.

I felt. Like no one could tell me anything.

Unstoppable? Eh.

But more carefree? Yes.

Confident.

Happy.

Hopeful.

&& it honestly showed.

I don’t think anyone would of guessed that.

I’m going to get back to that time.

The better times.

I’m about to have a lot on my plate soon.

But it will be alright.

Sure it will…

Keeping in mind of the things that I want in life.

Not to settle.

&& get to everything that I want to accomplish.

Even on the days where I feel like there is no real hope.

I’ll push through it.

Alone or not.

With or without someone by my side.

I’ll do my best.

I promise.

Thanks for listening.

Forever alone ❤️

xoxoLaLa

Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa