Living a Lie?

I’ve been living a lie for so long.

I am 28, still trying to find myself.. still trying to figure out where I belong.
I feel like I have always known what my purpose was…
but I just kept avoiding it like the plague

I’ve tried to change things about myself..
Things in my life..
All to find happiness..
But the joke was on me because nothing really made me that happy
Avoiding something doesn’t fix anything…
Unwanted changes only temporarily hide the problem

I switched jobs…
(Sort of)
To learn something new..
To be able to have a better income..
To build a better life…
To be happier?
but I haven’t left the thing that I enjoy doing the most
&& I don’t think that I can
…. I don’t think that it is possible….

I like tattoos, I love tattoos..
They give my life a mini story on the side to tell
But I haven’t gotten any in a while now…
Every time I scheduled one, I bailed.
Why?
I don’t know.
All I really want to do is just finish my arm…
Maybe one day LaLa
But that is all besides the point of this post.
This part is just a little side note for no real reason and so is the next two sections…
Heads up seven up
(But at the end, maybe it will all make sense as one post to you!?)

I like piercings, I love piercings
I loved having my plugs
but they got so irritated and I had to let them go
&& close after 5 years of having them…
I thought I was ready for a change
I wanted to leave that in the past and begin a “new life”
But
Then I took a look in the mirror one day and realized, that this wasn’t me
I felt so incomplete without them
I was missing something so small but yet made such a huge impact on me
So I stretched them back! 🙂
… I think they will be here to stay.. go big or go home?

I like make-up, I love make-up
There is just something about getting “ready” in the morning
Something that just makes my heart a little happier each time.
No I am not the best at it
&& I am far from a professional
But I manage.
Sometimes I do go out of the box and create different looks but lately..
Lately, I have let the ball drop on my creative looks..
Just keeping it simple….
But there is nothing wrong with that.
It is still a joy to get ready every morning…
For myself..

That was a month ago.

I was sitting at home.. thinking
Thinking about where I belong
Thinking about what I want to do
Thinking about how to get there
And hating myself for stopping anything that made me happy.

I am a cook with tattoos && plugs that enjoys make up
Pretty to look at but serious about what I do.
Not everyone can say that..
For me..
Its not about the attention
Its about the feeling of accomplishment
The feeling of being beat after a long or short day
Being annoyed by the people in the kitchen,
All at the same time to love what you do
It is definitely not something for everyone,
It can be stressful
But at the end of the day…
Creating something for others to enjoy beats it all.

I am a cook part-time now
I don’t think that I will ever be able to give it up completely
Maybe one day I will become a sous chef.
Maybe.
Or maybe I will go in a different direction.

I am all over the place 99.7 % of the time and it can become difficult to deal with myself at times but this is one thing that I know. If there is something that you are passionate about or enjoy whether it is professional or not. Keep at it.
&& Don’t second guess yourself… you got thissssssssssss

OH HELL YEAAAA

img_3732

xoxoLaLa