Just Me

If you don’t write it down when it is fresh on the mind, the passion will be lost in the words.

Story of the day:

So I was out and about, had to make a stop somewhere to pick up some paperwork for the summer and I noticed something similar with the three women that were there.

One behind the register and two customers stand side by side waiting to be done with their transactions.
I first noticed the woman directly next to me on my right. She had her hand resting on her cheek and then I saw it!

She was wearing a wedding ring.
&& so were the other two women.

(I know it doesn’t sound like much but….)
So I was thinking to myself while being there like “wow“..
I never really been the kind of person who was all about getting married or even dreamt of such a thing.

..I guess you could say that I was pretty basic and didn’t care about things like that.
Which is fine and no shade to anyone who is opposite of that.

Anyways…

So I get back in my car and have a long self talk about my life in general.
I slowly realized that this is not the life that I wanted for myself, or even thought to have.
Which sounds terrible to say out loud and in writing, but it is my truth.

Maybe there are somethings that I regret here and there but nothing super major.
After seeing that, obviously no one truly knows a relationship and how it works unless you are in it, but the fact that someone out there was willing and wanted to commit to those women was something great to know.
Sort of like seeing a hidden mystery.

I don’t pity myself.
But I do think that it would be SUPER AWESOME to know that there was at least one person in this world with a billion other souls that wanted.. JUST ME..

I see so many memes about love and different quotes, all of the same category,
&& I swear they seem to know when to pop up and I saw one yesterday that made me think a lot more about what I am missing in life…

Of course they say that you don’t need someone to make you feel complete but chances are the person saying that has terrible luck or is with someone. It is like a win/win/lose/lose kind of topic.

Sucks don’t it?

But I really do wonder sometimes what it would be like again..
What it would be like to wake up to a simple text like.
“Hey.” or even “Good Morning”.

(see, I told you I was basic!)

But even something as small as that I would love, I crave… Maybe?

Then that also got me thinking about everything else.
Like my job or why I cant even find a second job..
Why is it all so hard, why do all odds seem to be against me

(Shouldn’t I have my life together by now? Or do they say by 30 you should have your life together.. I guess I still have sometime there, but I don’t see much changing :/ , I mean its not like it is a law or something… right.. right! RIGHT?? )

Moving along..

Some might think that maybe I am being too picky…

No, I am not being picky,
I just can’t figure out what I am doing wrong to be successful in that aspect.

Even looking for an apartment to downsize in, has been challenging and being completely opened to a 40 minute radius has seemed to fail me .. I don’t get it.
(I think for this one it is safe to just blame on life..??? )

But one of the things that have sucked the most for me is not being able to be the parent with all the answers…

Seeming to fail my child when I am still trying to figure things out myself.. Sucks.
I mean to be fair parenting is not something I think that anyone can master.
It is just one of those things. It is life…

But

Yes, I would love to have a house with a backyard,
more like a townhouse I would be good with,
but I can’t give that to myself or my child. && it sucks.

&& it is something as little as that, just to have a home, not an apartment, a house.
Its crazy that I can’t even do that!

Because it is just me

I think it will always be just me.
For whatever reason…

But I am sure that it will be okay because maybe one day (fingers crossed) I will be able to make that little goal and it will make the world of a difference in our lives…  🙂

It is like when they say.

” There is no use of crying over spilled milk.”

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Living a Lie?

I’ve been living a lie for so long.

I am 28, still trying to find myself.. still trying to figure out where I belong.
I feel like I have always known what my purpose was…
but I just kept avoiding it like the plague

I’ve tried to change things about myself..
Things in my life..
All to find happiness..
But the joke was on me because nothing really made me that happy
Avoiding something doesn’t fix anything…
Unwanted changes only temporarily hide the problem

I switched jobs…
(Sort of)
To learn something new..
To be able to have a better income..
To build a better life…
To be happier?
but I haven’t left the thing that I enjoy doing the most
&& I don’t think that I can
…. I don’t think that it is possible….

I like tattoos, I love tattoos..
They give my life a mini story on the side to tell
But I haven’t gotten any in a while now…
Every time I scheduled one, I bailed.
Why?
I don’t know.
All I really want to do is just finish my arm…
Maybe one day LaLa
But that is all besides the point of this post.
This part is just a little side note for no real reason and so is the next two sections…
Heads up seven up
(But at the end, maybe it will all make sense as one post to you!?)

I like piercings, I love piercings
I loved having my plugs
but they got so irritated and I had to let them go
&& close after 5 years of having them…
I thought I was ready for a change
I wanted to leave that in the past and begin a “new life”
But
Then I took a look in the mirror one day and realized, that this wasn’t me
I felt so incomplete without them
I was missing something so small but yet made such a huge impact on me
So I stretched them back! 🙂
… I think they will be here to stay.. go big or go home?

I like make-up, I love make-up
There is just something about getting “ready” in the morning
Something that just makes my heart a little happier each time.
No I am not the best at it
&& I am far from a professional
But I manage.
Sometimes I do go out of the box and create different looks but lately..
Lately, I have let the ball drop on my creative looks..
Just keeping it simple….
But there is nothing wrong with that.
It is still a joy to get ready every morning…
For myself..

That was a month ago.

I was sitting at home.. thinking
Thinking about where I belong
Thinking about what I want to do
Thinking about how to get there
And hating myself for stopping anything that made me happy.

I am a cook with tattoos && plugs that enjoys make up
Pretty to look at but serious about what I do.
Not everyone can say that..
For me..
Its not about the attention
Its about the feeling of accomplishment
The feeling of being beat after a long or short day
Being annoyed by the people in the kitchen,
All at the same time to love what you do
It is definitely not something for everyone,
It can be stressful
But at the end of the day…
Creating something for others to enjoy beats it all.

I am a cook part-time now
I don’t think that I will ever be able to give it up completely
Maybe one day I will become a sous chef.
Maybe.
Or maybe I will go in a different direction.

I am all over the place 99.7 % of the time and it can become difficult to deal with myself at times but this is one thing that I know. If there is something that you are passionate about or enjoy whether it is professional or not. Keep at it.
&& Don’t second guess yourself… you got thissssssssssss

OH HELL YEAAAA

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xoxoLaLa