There is such a thing as being to available.

I am one of those people.
I am one of those people who always seems to be available..

Maybe because I haven’t got anything else really going for me.

I will sit in silence for so long just to hear any kind of notification..
..half the time its one of those texts that are really about nothing from a company or a reminder.. lame

I hate that..
I have a social life that doesn’t exist.
One that I am not sure how to gain.
No distractions..
No nothing.
Just silence.

…Just available.

How does that make me look?
Always there are soon as I hear something.
Quick responder.
So lame..
For so long it has been so hard for me to get a grasp on things.
My mind can never seem to be focused on one thing without the feeling,
or wondering what I could be missing out on..

9.9/10 its nothing…

I hate social media sometimes,
but it seems like the best option to get myself out there to not feel so
or needy? I don’t know.

The older you get the harder it gets.
Just sitting thinking how it is so hard to change
I don’t know what to do or even where to begin…

When things seem to be promising they always seem to find a way of ripping
itself out of my reach… why?
… (maybe it is just me)…

But yet I am still available..

How can I turn this off?
Why does this seem to be my thing?
Maybe one day I will figure it out…

Thanks for listening..

Until next time.




8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019


Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… 😔


So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..


Forever && always




I don’t like the day and age I live in.
We live in.
Compared to the other decades that have long passed, this one seems almost impossible to live in.
To get by in.
To find happiness in.
To live normally in.
To have something real in.

(It’s crazy honestly)

One minute you could feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can stop you or bring you down. Nothing can stand in your way for you are completely invincible.

(Or maybe… that’s me)….
(Well probably just me)
(Anyways.. moving forward, back to the point on this entry)

If people could take the time out to respond to someone or at least let them know what the deal is so they can stop having their time wasted..
If people could just be more considerate of others.. that would be AMAZING!! 
If more people could take the time to acknowledge when they are in the wrong and try to make it right…
that would be INCREDBILY AWESOME!!
If more people were just honest with themselves and not try to put on a “front or a “show” just for other peoples entertainment..
But no…
that is clearly too much to ask for 😦
..way too much to ask for..

As a society, we seem to do more bad than good.
As a society, we seem to care more about what other people think that do not matter.
As a society, we should understand how people work, and how it is different for everyone.
It is about time, that we as a society take a step in a different direction and learn to protect and respect other people.

For we all are only human and our feelings are real.
Our feelings are what holds us together.
It is our glue…..

But no one will actually ever do that.
It seems to be way too much.
Way to difficult.
Way to “not my problem” -ish
Way to “sucks to be you”
I don’t literally mean no one..
just most people wont,
They wont, because it gives them that sense of people wanting them, when that is not always the cast. Those kind of people are attention seekers. Seeing the world as an opposite.

People need to get off of their invisible high horses and get back reality.
Get back to the times when it was okay to care about other people.
Back in the days when it was okay to show some real feelings, and no one faulted you for being yourself.

Since when did everything become just for show?
Since when did everything seem to become a competition?
Since when did we become so cruel in not only our words but with our actions?

There are way too many people in this world that can’t seem to grasp reality to the point that anyone on the other end side of them will only be able to see the negativity.

&& with that..

It gives them that sense that they have options, which is obviously wrong
&& ridiculous.
I would like people to know and to understand that things like this are a reason why people have certain thoughts and become hurt or even damage themselves…

People need to be aware and have the respect for one another to just speak up and not ignore others, or treat others like they are an option..
… but instead

Talk. Engage. Learn.


Relationship Goals?

I am definitely a passionate person
I am also a person who loves love
I have been in love and more recently been out of love
I have fallen out of love with so many different things that I was once passionate about
Which saddens me a little

I have always had that picture perfect image in my head where I would find someone
..well more like he would find me…
(some people make it look so easy)
But it is not that way at all. Two years and still I wonder where I am suppose to be in life.
Am I meant for this lifestyle? Or am I suppose to wait? Or should I step out my comfort zone?

It honestly terrifies me of putting myself out there.
It sucks… almost all of the time…
I dont know how many times I’ve been blown off or forgotten or even just ignored…
&& that in itself just makes me wonder what is wrong with me.. or what have I been doing wrong this whole time…

Something that I have realized that is a pattern that we all do is, we do the same thing to other people all the time..
Ignoring someone who you aren’t interested in and in the same breathe wonder why you can’t find that “perfect” person.
We only want to give chances to the “wrong” people and probably 8 times out of 10 its all about how the person looks which can be unfortunate, but in some cases. It doesn’t matter what you look like… you just never had a chance to begin with..

Lets just get right down to it…
I am one of those people who love, love!
I love seeing happiness in others
I love seeing the passion that people hold towards each other
It is one of those things that makes me happy and even have some hope for myself

I’ve always told myself one day it will be your turn.
One day you will find someone who can’t stop thinking about you!
Everything seems to be one day..
&& maybe it is true.. maybe it is not…
But that I don’t know for sure. unfortunately.

I find myself going out of my way more often I probably should to see how someone is
To see how their day or week is going…
Or maybe even to just say hey hi hello
To just check in after a few weeks
&& still there has been so many times where I have been left on read…
There aren’t a whole lot of people out there that will take time out of their day to see how someone is doing and actually mean it.
It is one of the things that frustrates me with this day and age.. it is terrible
..but what can you do?
Besides hope for the best for everyone you encounter even if it isn’t a mutual thing, it still counts for something! 🙂

Even though I am the way I am.. I still have always had hope floating around me
&& believe me when I say.. sometimes it feels like its the end of the world and all you want to do is beat yourself up over the things you can’t control and that might make you feel alone but you are never alone! You just have to remember that day in and day out!

I could say a lot more on this subject
But I will end it here…
&& maybe continue it at another time,
so until then..

Don’t worry, be happy
&& smile daily ❤


You, You come first

Attention! Attention!



I got some news.
… well more like something to say/share.

&& as far as I know this could be helping someone out there who can relate to this situation…. or someone who is just really likes reading what I post! 🙂 (thumbs up)

First and foremost, I would like to state that I am an extremely caring person and do not like to let people down or anything of that nature. (its a gift && a curse) Even if a person does me wrong a billion times…. I just don’t have it in my heart to be the same way towards them and or go down to their level… I believe that everyone is the way they are for a reason && everyone gets certain things in life that “cater” to their personalities throughout life, whether they like it or not, it is what it is…

I have never really been the one to bring someone down….(if I care about them, obvi)
I mean I have no problem dragging someone through the gosh darn mud and back again followed by a sugar back slap…if need be, but there is always a reason if I feel the need too… 🙂 (big smile)

But I look at things like this.. life is sort of short. I mean it can literally seem to pass by within a blink of an eye. Then you look back and see all the time  you wasted and the things you could of done but instead your mind was elsewhere.. it happens to the best of us. (believe me I know, Im just awesome.. moving on…)

One thing that I am slowly learning is that I have not been happy. Almost to the point where I didn’t even know what it is suppose to feel like. I mean you could always pretend like the cool kids, but it is important to know that you can’t try to make other people happy and not keep yourself happy. It is damn near impossible, because all the while that you are busting your ass to make someone feel special they could give two left nuts… (yes, both left nuts) about anything that has to do with you. You are then just a second option.

You know like when they only come around when it is convenient for them. Like for example, when you go to the store to go buy something but its too expensive and then you keep coming back to see if it went down in price and weeks later it finally does and then thats when your wanted. Yea, your that month old milk that was moved to the discount shelf… lol

But in all seriousness, you gotta think about yourself first..
1 million percent, you gotta come first….
&& you have to remember that you are the main chicken wang that matters!
No clucks about it.


Now how do you like them apples!