Growth

So for the past week or so,

I have really been wanting to just sit down && write.. type.. whatever.. (you know what I mean… )

&& here I am finally doing it!

I don’t really have a “theme” for this post but I am just generally in a good mood.

Minus the fact of me being tired basically all week && today being the last day of a 7 day stretch, which I haven’t done in a while so it got me pretty damn good.

But between all that, I had a good week.

I have recently discovered that I like to look back on the little things that I have noticed about myself && see what else I can do.. to continue to find my ultimate happiness..

Just seeing how much I have changed in the last year alone is just kind of mind blowing to me. It is one of those things where I feel like change is good. It is something that I can be happy about.

Not that I did it on purpose or anything but I can appreciate a lot more things.

Time has always been a factor, (generally speaking)
But I feel like more recently, time is basically everything to me.
Time is one of those things where people can just waste it, or use it wisely.

I use it wisely.
I want to continue to make the most out of the time I am given.
No matter if it is very good or a little bad.

I always noticed by the day,
that it seems like I am just becoming less of an introvert && a shy person or a soft spoken person (Which soft spoken hasn’t been me in a very long time) but also a caring person.

I will be the person who will start a conversation.
Not because I am confident,
But because I have realized over time that somethings are not worth missing out on.
&& also that a lot of things are not that serious.. (to me anyways)

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy -Miss Frizzle 

But that is life.
I am still learning as a person && I don’t know if I will completely understand it all
But
One day I’ll get the hang of things && be able to form them into the way that I feel that they should fit.

It is all about growing.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa