Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

The Curse of the Heart

There’s been way too many times where I felt like an idiot,

I am true to my sign and it is unfortunate… too me anyways,

How many chances is one willing to give and get nothing in return besides apologizes?

Why is it that I am the last thing that matters?

When nothing else is going on then maybe we can see what I’m up to or try to make time for me..

I don’t want to be anyone’s last option but here I am doing just that,

My heart is heavy && it seems like it’s not reversible. The damage is done.

No amount of bandages can patch up a wound this big…

No amount of sorries can make me feel loved again…

I have a heart.
I have a huge heart.
I have a heart that only wishes to please && get nothing in return.
Why?

Why am I like this?

Why is it always me?

Why can’t anyone see me for me?

Why do I have to be this way?

No one cares..

I spend my only day to do anything I can do, waiting on you.

Hoping with my heart filled with happiness,

Only for it to be taken away just as fast, like it never existed.

I am such an idiot for thinking anyone would want to take the chance to get to know me.

Have the chance to be happy,

&& feel loved.

Who was I kidding?

It is up to me to break the cycle…

but unfortunately, I don’t like to hurt people in that way && make them feel unwanted or ignore them….

Even though it happens to me more than it should.
I have a heart and it sucks ๐Ÿ™

It is like a curse && there is no curing that.

๐Ÿ’”๐Ÿ˜ž

xoxoLaLa

The Battle of Puebla

I think this subject comes up every so often when it comes to the holiday Cinco de Mayo.

Does anyone really know or even care how this became a holiday or what it even stands for?

My guess is going to be a lot of people do not know.

I rarely remember anything, especially when it comes to history.

I’ll snooze on through it.

But in all serious the Battle of Puebla was a thing && the reason why so many of us celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

It’s also kind of funny to me to think that there are so many people out there.. In the US who have this thing against other cultures. But from what I’ve seen, it all seems to go away when it comes to having a reason to drink.

Crazy isn’t it?

Now I don’t know a whole lot about the history of this holiday && I did not drink any tequila.. Sorry.

But I do know that it was considered a minor event that literally only took like 4 days.

&& on May 9th, Cinco de Mayo was declared a holiday.

Not to be confused with the independence of Mexico.

(Completely different time)

But anyways.

I hope everyone had a good day && if you chose to drink like myself, good for you.

Even though I am not super big on drinking. I figured today would be a good day to do so, just not go super crazy && keep it classic with myself && have a drink made with pineapple ๐Ÿ˜

Happy Sunday/Cinco de Mayo!

xoxoLaLa

Like a Scene From the Movies

Where did I miss the turn?

When did it all go wrong?

Why haven’t I been able to see past all the things that have blinded me for so long?

I swear that I am not asking for a lot.

Just something.

Something small.

Something that some might even take for granted.

I swear sometimes I feel like I could be in a movie.

You know the kind where everything just falls in to place like an amazing big fat fairy tale.

But then always.

ALWAYS.

When I am about to get to the good part it stops working….

The connection is lost..

I am lost..

It is basically like the end of the world…

<——————————————————->

Don’t we all want to be someone’s favorite good morning && favorite good night?

Or is that just me?

Sometimes more often than planned..

I crave that attention..

Probably because I never get it!

But I do welcome it, just not to anyone though,

Should I be that person in the movies who goes after what they want?

Or be that person who waits for it all to come to them ?

Both sound pretty unsure.

Dammit

Let’s flip a coin && see if it will land on tails….

<——————————————————->

I always joke around && say that I will meet this person at the grocery.

We would be in the same aisle.

Reaching for the same item && actually touch hands &&

BOOMย 

MOVIE GOLD

Then we have this great conversation && it turns out that we have a shit ton in common..
blah. blah. blah
&& live happily ever after….

lol

Well to be more specific.
We would be in the soup aisle.
You will be reaching for a soup near the top.. eh maybe like a cream soup
&& I will reach for the same one.
Knowing damn well I don’t eat soup..

lol

I was literally laughing the whole time while I wrote that last little bit,
(I just thought you would like to know that.)

#funfact

But man, I really don’t know.
I feel like I am always talk about the same kind of things in my posts. But it is all at different times in the year or month or day, it is just a “common” topic for myself.
(Again… this is basically my journal for you to get lost in..)

You know we all go through these things in life && sometimes revisiting it seems to shed more light on to somethings && it all makes sense again.

I am patiently “waiting”
Sort of becoming impatient because time is ticking away.

BUT

What can you really do, settling is not an option for this fool!

xoxoLaLa

 

The “Skinny” Girl

I have always been the kind of person who was born “lucky”. (in a sense)
And when I say that, I am talking about something very specific that I couldn’t help because it was just the way I have always been.
&& some people thought of me as being”lucky”. (Stupid right!?)

Let’s dive a little more deeper.
(but I am pretty sure you are able to figure out what this is all about from the title!)
I have always been a fairly “skinny” person.
I put the word in quotes because.. I don’t know. Some people make it sound ridiculous.
I guess when I was in high school it was like the best thing ever??
And being thin was the “IT” thing….? Or some shit like that..

Even when I was pregnant I only weight maybe 135 lbs, && again…
I couldn’t help that.
I can say though, that after the fact I was indeed lucky to go right back into “shape”.
But the whole point of this blog is that just because you are skinny does not mean your in shape.
That is one thing that I literally hated hearing, && still do dislike hearing.

Here are some of the struggles of being skinny;

  1. I can tell someone my current weight and they do not believe me.
    Apparently it is a lie.
    It’s crazy isn’t it!?
    Why would anyone lie about something so minimal like that?
  2. Some people seem to think that you don’t eat a lot and you have a problem.
    Aka you have an eating disorder. ๐Ÿ™„
  3. People say that I don’t need to work out because I am skinny, when being skinny has nothing.
    NOTHING to do with being in shape && healthy. ๐Ÿ™ƒ
  4. ย Someone is always constantly reminding me that I am skinny.
  5. When you are excited that you put on some weight or even mention you want to gain weigh, for some reason it seems to be an issue.&& there goes an eye roll
    ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„
  6. Everyone always thinks that your going to just become obese when you hit a certain again, like everyone’s body is the same.
    Seriously probably one of the most annoying things I have ever heard.
    Clearly everyone is not the same or built the same or even eats the same and has the same issues.
    Sounds like a tiny bit of jealousy!? Not saying that people are jealous of me per say but generally speaking when there is that sort of “hate” or “negativity” for no reason what so ever.

Anyways…
I guess 6 is good for right now. lol

I just basically wanted to say that because being skinny is not everything.
Coming from a skinny person!
There are real life struggles of someone being skinny that is really not what it is all cracked up to be.
So people just need to settle down and think about what you are going to say to someone that you find to be “too skinny”
We all have feelings and it is not pleasant to hear certain things, that are pretty much insulting,ย even though others might think it is a compliment.

But it is not.
K thanks.
Until next time.

Just be beautiful in the skin you are in!

xoxoLaLa