Closure

 

I think I am ready to officially be done && close this chapter in my life.
It has been a long 3 years but I think it is better if it ended this way.
I know to you it doesn’t matter much, but to me, I rather have some sort of closure.
I swear it has taken me sooo long.. way too long to even say this && actually mean it.

For once it seems like the ball was in my court.
You gave me that power.
&& for once I never returned it back to you.
I let it in limbo for a while now, you may not know this but I do.

Even thinking about certain things it makes me feel a little uneasy.
But it makes it a little better that I still hold control.
Just thinking about how different things can be for me, makes me smile a little more.

I no longer feel like I am obligated.
I no longer feel like I am being controlled.
I no longer feel like an option.
I no longer feel false hope, when we both knew the truth.

I can’t even lie && say that I am completely over it && its out of my head.
Because I am not. It still hangs around me unfortunately.
That fear is still there…
That fear of me losing myself again.. && all for what?
To be miserable?
To be alone?
To feel destroyed?

I have held back.

(until now)

I hate that thinking about it makes me question things.
Question them in a way that ends up being my fault.
But I know its not.
I seriously lost myself.

For way too long.
Happiness wasn’t a real things.
It was more like a mirage or something.
Just a click of a switch && it was back to your way.
Stupid.

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to look or wonder what if.
I never wanted to.
The feeling of loneliness can give you so many false images.
I hate that.

But I think I am finally going in the right direction.
Not so many sleepless nights.
Nights hoping to hear from you knowing I wouldn’t.
So many times.
So many excuses.

Never mattered.
I never mattered.
&& now I can say.
That I don’t even care.

This is my closure.
This is my truth.
This is my life.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa