Coming to an End

Sometimes it is hard to believe that I keep falling for the same BS people dish out to me. I’ve been blown off && forgotten about more times than I would like to admit.

But it’s true

I kind of hate how I am. A true Pisces.

&& it can be super annoying
because at the end of the day I still care && don’t want to hurt anybody on that level….
While it has always seems to happen to me && then I am stuck there left alone.
Left on Read.
&& ignored like nothing happened …

Three strikes && your out.
But yet I keep stepping back up to the plate..

I want to be happy. I really do but I don’t know why I keep letting others put me down.
I am stronger than that && I have to learn that it is okay to hurt others.. to a degree
&& to speak my mind even if it is something that they are not going to want to hear.
&& that is one of my fears..

I am already all alone.
My life is pretty bland.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Nothing.

But people will make it seem that way.
I have always dropped or changed things around that I wanted to do just to get the chance to hangout with someone I was looking forward to seeing.
&& in return… it is never that way. I hate it.

I need to change the way I am.

I have to stop letting others get the best of me.

I have to be a stronger person because I do not need them.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t enjoy my company.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t respect me enough to speak what’s on their mind instead of leading me on.

I don’t need or want false hope.

I would just like to be treated the way that you would want someone to treat you.

&& I don’t think it is that much to ask for honestly.

I think no matter what I will still always have a good heart.

Just not for you anymore.

4ver && always
xoxoLaLa

Coming to Terms (Me Myself && I)

Sometimes, if not most of the time,
I hate that I am reminded of how alone I really am.
(I know, I know, I’m always rambling on about the same old thing, cry me a river. blah blah blah bullshit)

But seriously..

Not having that support system when you need it the most sucks.

It’s like when you feel like the world is against you && your left feeling all alone.

No one seems to be able to help, && you think that they will never understand how you feel. && it kind of hurts at times.

You think that they have no idea how there are so many things that can destroy a person.

But they do..

To think that hmm, not even family members or close friends can help you,
or be there for you because it is simply not the same thing.

But it is.

Your problems are not theirs!
So they can’t relate, or just choose not too?
You are the controller of your life.
No one is put on this earth to fix you!

But that’s life. && that is how we can think at times.

There are feelings that we get && sometimes we feel like it is just ourselves against everyone else, even when they are on our side.

We shouldn’t think that way.

I say it is me, myself && I because it is a fact.
I have been alone for years && slowly I am adjusting to it more && more each day
&& looking at the reality of what my life has become so far.

People like to say that you don’t need anyone to be happy..
Which is true to an extent, I think, but it is not always just about finding someone to make you happy…

It runs much deeper than that, && that is the thing that a lot of people seem to misunderstand…

It is about the feelings, all of them, the good, the bad && the ugly.
It is about the emotions. the happiness && the sadness.
It is about the support system, the ones that go both ways.
It is about cherishing moments that you might not have thought would ever happen if you didn’t find this other soul to take that journey with you.
It is about building. It’s about learning. It’s about living.

It isn’t just something that you can buy at the store.
It is something that just runs through your veins when everything just feels oh so right..
It is the joy we all wish to discover one day.
The life we want to lead…

Maybe.

But until then, it is just
Me, myself && I
Until we meet.
Until the time is right.
There is no need to rush.
Just take your time.

*If it is you, who feels alone.
Just remember it is not permanent.

xoxoLaLa

 

My New Hobby

I have recently discovered something that I am so happy && excited to do.

I know it’s literally nothing super special but I bought myself a little grow kit for a cactus.

It hasn’t grown yet since it takes month but it was nice to just be able to grow something.

So the next week I bought another one because I was super excited && also decided to buy a flower one.

The flower pot has started to sprout.

&& that makes me UBER excited!!!

So today I was out because I was off.
I had something to get done && some plans that fell through…

(What else is new!? 🤷🏽‍♀️)

But I came across seeds to start growing anything. I have of course seen these way before time. But this time it was something that I actually got excited about.

Side note: excited is the word of the day/ of this blog. So feel free to have a shot every time I say that word. I promise I won’t take it overboard. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited.

But I picked up two flower packets && two herb ones. Trying to dabble in something new. Super excited to see how it will turn out.

I got some flower pots && plan to keep them in the kitchen. I don’t have a back yard to actually have an outdoor garden, which slightly saddens me..

I went to target to find some dirt which I got some recycled soil.

This is a new journey for me, it’s crazy that living so many years you can still find new interests to get excited about!

I cannot wait to see how these turn out because I AM SUPER DUPER MOTHAFUCKING EXCITED AS FUKK about this all…

Until next time, my favorite people! 🙂

xoxoLaLa

Like a Scene From the Movies

Where did I miss the turn?

When did it all go wrong?

Why haven’t I been able to see past all the things that have blinded me for so long?

I swear that I am not asking for a lot.

Just something.

Something small.

Something that some might even take for granted.

I swear sometimes I feel like I could be in a movie.

You know the kind where everything just falls in to place like an amazing big fat fairy tale.

But then always.

ALWAYS.

When I am about to get to the good part it stops working….

The connection is lost..

I am lost..

It is basically like the end of the world…

<——————————————————->

Don’t we all want to be someone’s favorite good morning && favorite good night?

Or is that just me?

Sometimes more often than planned..

I crave that attention..

Probably because I never get it!

But I do welcome it, just not to anyone though,

Should I be that person in the movies who goes after what they want?

Or be that person who waits for it all to come to them ?

Both sound pretty unsure.

Dammit

Let’s flip a coin && see if it will land on tails….

<——————————————————->

I always joke around && say that I will meet this person at the grocery.

We would be in the same aisle.

Reaching for the same item && actually touch hands &&

BOOM 

MOVIE GOLD

Then we have this great conversation && it turns out that we have a shit ton in common..
blah. blah. blah
&& live happily ever after….

lol

Well to be more specific.
We would be in the soup aisle.
You will be reaching for a soup near the top.. eh maybe like a cream soup
&& I will reach for the same one.
Knowing damn well I don’t eat soup..

lol

I was literally laughing the whole time while I wrote that last little bit,
(I just thought you would like to know that.)

#funfact

But man, I really don’t know.
I feel like I am always talk about the same kind of things in my posts. But it is all at different times in the year or month or day, it is just a “common” topic for myself.
(Again… this is basically my journal for you to get lost in..)

You know we all go through these things in life && sometimes revisiting it seems to shed more light on to somethings && it all makes sense again.

I am patiently “waiting”
Sort of becoming impatient because time is ticking away.

BUT

What can you really do, settling is not an option for this fool!

xoxoLaLa

 

Facing My Fears

So over time.
As I got older.
I guess I kind of fell out of being a social person.
Even though I really never was one.
But over time I was able to get over being shy.

I’ve come along way && I am happy about that.

So about a few months ago.
I wanted to go out by myself to a bar like I used to, but that never happened because I got a panic attack quickly and aborted the mission.

I went out again && it was a bit successful.
I mean during the day is not problem because usually there is no one there or anyone that I might find attractive.

But today was the day that I finally sucked it up after going back and forth on what I should do && I did it!

😁😁😁

I am actually currently sitting at this bar /pub that I have been at one time before with a friend. (It’s close so I went with it.)

It’s pretty dead here right about now but that’s okay. (10:10 PM)

I don’t know how to take this all in but I am here && that’s all that matters.

This is a step in a new direction for myself, && it feels so it’s nice.

I realize that this all sounds pretty stupid to a regular person who actually does stuff with their lives but it’s me && I am pretty lame

GO ME!

Fast forward to about 20 minutes later on my first drink still.
Ha!
&& I am feeling it, watching basketball and baseball.
So exciting right!?

As I sit here, I am listening to everyone’s conversation && I’m just here lol
alone but it’s not the worst thing in the world

….

So going into the second hour && I’m a little over it.
&& pretty beat.

But I mean, what else is new.

…..

Still with the same drink that I just finished that was pretty much watered down from the ice since I’ve had it for so long.
Two hours in.

GO ME!

As I was thinking that it was time for me to leave after basically embarrassing myself by opening a tab to only have one drink in that many hours was kind of ridiculous to me.

I wish I was able to jump into conversations.
Maybe if I were drunk, but I wasn’t.
As I finished my drink, some older man across the bar from me waved.
Then said something I couldn’t hear.

Then the bartender came over && said that guy would like to buy me a drink.
I declined && closed out my lengthy tab.
Thanked the guy across from,
Signed my bill,
&& left.

I would of taken a second drink but I also had to pee.

I had to piss ..lol
Yea I think I like that word better.

So I opted to leave.

I know that some were probably trying to figure out why I was so quiet, or maybe why I was even alone.
I am pretty sure that is what that guy was saying.

GO ME!

Anyways…
I am glad that I did something out of my comfort zone.
I think the experience will help me be able to go out more && feel not so alone when in fact I am there alone.
&& it will be okay.

Face your fears

xoxoLaLa