Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

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You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa

Just Me

If you don’t write it down when it is fresh on the mind, the passion will be lost in the words.

Story of the day:

So I was out and about, had to make a stop somewhere to pick up some paperwork for the summer and I noticed something similar with the three women that were there.

One behind the register and two customers stand side by side waiting to be done with their transactions.
I first noticed the woman directly next to me on my right. She had her hand resting on her cheek and then I saw it!

She was wearing a wedding ring.
&& so were the other two women.

(I know it doesn’t sound like much but….)
So I was thinking to myself while being there like “wow“..
I never really been the kind of person who was all about getting married or even dreamt of such a thing.

..I guess you could say that I was pretty basic and didn’t care about things like that.
Which is fine and no shade to anyone who is opposite of that.

Anyways…

So I get back in my car and have a long self talk about my life in general.
I slowly realized that this is not the life that I wanted for myself, or even thought to have.
Which sounds terrible to say out loud and in writing, but it is my truth.

Maybe there are somethings that I regret here and there but nothing super major.
After seeing that, obviously no one truly knows a relationship and how it works unless you are in it, but the fact that someone out there was willing and wanted to commit to those women was something great to know.
Sort of like seeing a hidden mystery.

I don’t pity myself.
But I do think that it would be SUPER AWESOME to know that there was at least one person in this world with a billion other souls that wanted.. JUST ME..

I see so many memes about love and different quotes, all of the same category,
&& I swear they seem to know when to pop up and I saw one yesterday that made me think a lot more about what I am missing in life…

Of course they say that you don’t need someone to make you feel complete but chances are the person saying that has terrible luck or is with someone. It is like a win/win/lose/lose kind of topic.

Sucks don’t it?

But I really do wonder sometimes what it would be like again..
What it would be like to wake up to a simple text like.
“Hey.” or even “Good Morning”.

(see, I told you I was basic!)

But even something as small as that I would love, I crave… Maybe?

Then that also got me thinking about everything else.
Like my job or why I cant even find a second job..
Why is it all so hard, why do all odds seem to be against me

(Shouldn’t I have my life together by now? Or do they say by 30 you should have your life together.. I guess I still have sometime there, but I don’t see much changing :/ , I mean its not like it is a law or something… right.. right! RIGHT?? )

Moving along..

Some might think that maybe I am being too picky…

No, I am not being picky,
I just can’t figure out what I am doing wrong to be successful in that aspect.

Even looking for an apartment to downsize in, has been challenging and being completely opened to a 40 minute radius has seemed to fail me .. I don’t get it.
(I think for this one it is safe to just blame on life..??? )

But one of the things that have sucked the most for me is not being able to be the parent with all the answers…

Seeming to fail my child when I am still trying to figure things out myself.. Sucks.
I mean to be fair parenting is not something I think that anyone can master.
It is just one of those things. It is life…

But

Yes, I would love to have a house with a backyard,
more like a townhouse I would be good with,
but I can’t give that to myself or my child. && it sucks.

&& it is something as little as that, just to have a home, not an apartment, a house.
Its crazy that I can’t even do that!

Because it is just me

I think it will always be just me.
For whatever reason…

But I am sure that it will be okay because maybe one day (fingers crossed) I will be able to make that little goal and it will make the world of a difference in our lives…  🙂

It is like when they say.

” There is no use of crying over spilled milk.”

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Taking A Long Break To Live Like An Adult

Frick Frack Cadillac
Look at that, Oh hey LaLa’s Back (in actionnnnnnnnn) *screaming*

HEYYYYYYYY

How is everyone doing on this mighty fine day!? I’m going to assume everyone is in tip top amazingly fantesticle shape && feeling fabtastic on a stick.

Now…
Moving on to more important news.
So I have been in my “first” apartment for over a year now and it went by super fast and it is such a great feeling of accomplishment until…..
Them bills start flying in and it is just solely, taking on all financials by myself, the last places that I have lived were with people that I was dating at the time.

blah blah.

But that has all changed because I am a sack of shit no one wants! 🙂

(lmao totally joking)

But seriously it is sooo nice,

like so, so so nice to be able to have something like your space, your own place to yourself. It is be bees knees.. lol

It is obviously an accomplishment and is an amazingly good feeling. Something that I have not felt like ever in my many years of life and adulthood which is nice, its a nice change of pace.

Along with getting my own place, I have been working literally all the time, (usually working 6 days a week) but that has changed a little to me actually working 7 days a week for a few weeks. About a month and that is a motherfucking killer, making my weekends the longest work days at 12 hour days waking up around 6 in the morning to get home around 9:30 at night.

I know it is crazy, it is like I am addicting to working or something .

I am obsessed with being independent lol look at me committing a “crime.”

But since then I have slowed down a little with my work life. Losing a job is NOT the best thing to deal with in the world but it obviously happens. And it happened to this gal! (two thumbs up to myself) #adultlife

I know it’s not a joking matter but I am slowly waiting for my life to just fall apart completely, yay!

What else is new..

but enough about the boring lets keep this conversation moving into a more “positive” light.

So like I have mentioned before, in the beginning of this blog I am back, (that whole frick frack Cadillac bid) I haven’t really left. I have been around, just not posting a whole lot. I enjoy reading other blogs and hearing their stories.

I also enjoy writing my own things a lot so don’t be surprised if you see tons of posts out of know where, trust me it will be as normal as possible. I have literally over 50 drafts that are sitting and waiting to be finished.

I know.. I know

But that is the fun part about writing. I would love to know what you guys have been up to if anything or if you have been looking or waiting for me to post (probably not, but one can dream)

Anyways.

I feel like this is

………

Bless me!

( I literally can’t with this sneezing shit, it just ruins the mood, ha)

Well now with that I am outta here, stuffy nose and all.
Just a heads up, if you made it this far you will realize that I clearly went off track and had nothing else to add to this blog but the main purpose was to let all you fantastic people know that I am still here! (trying)

xoxoLaLa

Nothing But Thoughts

Have you  ever just looked at something and thought damn… my life really does suck, “I’m missing a whole lot, like how am I even living?”

(okay you get my drift)

It seems like lately I have only been talking about the same topics, but it is one of those things that I do feel strongly about. (like 80% of the time)

There are times when I see things that I get “jealous” of….
See things that I want and things that make me think…

“Well how do I get that?”

Happiness …

(I am so obvious at this point)

I was recently browsing on literally every kind of social media that I have an account to (literally like 3) and noticed how people possess this band with another person that seems to make the world stop and they are the only ones in it.

Maybe that takes an extension of happiness and is more along the lines of LOVE, something I clearly lack in the relationship world.

And after a few years I am still unsure of how I feel about where I am and what I have…..

I hate that I go through these “phases” one minute I am absolutely happy with being single and the next it feels like it is the end of the world.

But hey what can you really expect when you don’t put yourself out there or people think you are not real on dating sites…

Clearly  a win, win situation right there.
Who knows.
Anyways…

Dating sites are not for me, I find them to become annoying  after like a week of people copying and pasting the same message or people who are on their to find someone to PLUCK.

In my uneducated opinion I find that on a whole different level and maybe, I am being a bit harsh by saying this…

“But if you are on a dating site solely to sleep with someone, you should probably reevaluate your thoughts and your life?” Like come on, you don’t know anyone in your real life to bone….
One thing I will never understand and I am also one of those people who is not all about throwing it to the first, second, third or tenth person who gives me attention.

Not about that life.

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I am fortunately, (or unfortunately) one of those “rare” people who has enough respect for myself to not see how many guys I can get. I am an independent person who actually has a good heart (working well… still not sure) but that’s  just the way I am you can either take it or leave it. (leave it is the most popular option so check that box before you leave!)

But it literally is all crazy to think about. But that’s just my thoughts and opinions with some fun facts about me…

End Rant?

xoxoLaLa

The “Lucky” Lottery Ticket

So I brought a lottery ticket today in hopes that it would indeed change my life?

I say that with a question because I think that it is something that people usually hope for when they play? (shoulder shrug)

So I am clearly just following the crowd (well trying too)

I have this thing that I rather wait until I am home and all settled in and then I bust out the lottery ticket and scratch away.

It’s been years it feels like since I last played but I think I’ve become delusion with I don’t know, everything, that I feel like I could actually win (who doesn’t?)

(I can definitely assure you that I am not an addict, I swear!)

It is just one of those things I don’t mind spending like 5 bucks on once in a while.

Just to get it out of my head and off my mind

I know they say that when you feel like playing those are the best times to play and have a  better chance of winning but if that was the case wouldn’t we have all won something worth it every time?

lol NAHHHH, that makes way too much sense.

So anyways I got the ticket in a K Mart, I know like who still shops there? Is it even still a thing?

Anyways

I only went in there to kill time (more like an hour and a half) while my car was getting an oil change and an inspection (…the struggle)

After walking through the store, seeing all these high ass prices for no reason, I finally made it back to civilization aka the main entrance/exit and saw the machine. It wasn’t the newer fancy ones that you can play the Power Ball on, but I ain’t picky

So I glance over the very slim pickings (they were literally like all out) and picked a $2.00 Monopoly ticket, I could of went more and got the $5.00 one but I didn’t feel the need to splurge.

So obviously being cheap I went with the $2.00 option, went outside. Sat on a bench
(I think it was for the bus) and debated for a few minutes if I wanted to collect my winnings now or wait for a surprise later.

I got antsy and scratched it there.

(I always scratch the regular numbers before revealing the winning numbers)
Scratched the first row, then the second, didn’t get the bonus so I scratch off the winning number of 5 and 7.

I looked over my ticked about 3 times (I don’t know why, it was literally like 10 numbers total) and didn’t win a god damn thing.

LMAO

Was I surprised? Nope, not at all

At least it was only 2 bucks!

As the groundhog from PA says: “Keep on Scratching!”

xoxoLaLa