Love, Love

I love love.

I love seeing people happy together && just living the life they dreamed of.

Happy

I still wonder when I will be able to experience it for myself…
Love that is..

And I am half hopeful that it might happen to me one day.

One day πŸ™ƒ

Today I had two different people ask me if I was really single.

Like yes. Yes I am.

I’ve been. For such a long time now.

But who knows if it really shows.

I’m so hopeful at times. I watched a video today about not being afraid to move on from a bad relationship.

I haven’t really experienced that…As it resulting in a break up.

But it made me smile. because that this girl found someone. Found love.

Years after it happened && she never gave up on finding her happiness.

I do believe that it comes when you least expect it.

But what do I know.

I just keep smiling πŸ™‚

Keep waiting 😍

Keep wishing πŸ₯°

Keep hoping ☺️

Stay happy ❀️

Stay true 😁

 

xoxoLaLa

Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… πŸ˜”

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

πŸ”ŽπŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

xoxoLaLa

The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa

Undiscovered Love

The reason I am alone is because of you,
It has been years,
years of me wanting you && only you
Years of wanting,
years of dreaming of my happiness, with you

There is something about you that can bring a smile to my face
There is something about you that will brighten my day
The only reason why my heart can skip a beat after all this time
The connection that we have is what can make some jealous

My heart goes out to you
My heart beats for you
My life would be complete with you right next to me
But somethings have to wait,
The years that we have spent have been enjoyable

&& with you,
you never left my mind,
you’ve always have a spot in my heart
Where it beats, forever && a day..

Even if it is not with me…

That is the kind of love that some people have no yet discovered.
Some are selfish && don’t wish to let the other person grow.
They don’t want them to seek true happiness when they know it is not with them anymore…

What one might fail to see is that no matter what
Your heart will keep beating.
Yes, it might hurt for sometime, but it is still beating.
It is still in you
It is still yours

We all suffer a lost love at least once in our life time
&& that is okay.

Remember that,
Cherish that,

You will live another day,
You will love another more,

Remember the good times,
Cherish the memories,
Smile at them always,

But remember yourself first

You are not the reason that I am alone
You are not the reason that my heart beats
You are the reason that I can see clear
You are the reason I am free
Free as a bird
Free as a bee

Forever you will remember me

❀️

xoxoLaLa