Love, Love

I love love.

I love seeing people happy together && just living the life they dreamed of.

Happy

I still wonder when I will be able to experience it for myself…
Love that is..

And I am half hopeful that it might happen to me one day.

One day πŸ™ƒ

Today I had two different people ask me if I was really single.

Like yes. Yes I am.

I’ve been. For such a long time now.

But who knows if it really shows.

I’m so hopeful at times. I watched a video today about not being afraid to move on from a bad relationship.

I haven’t really experienced that…As it resulting in a break up.

But it made me smile. because that this girl found someone. Found love.

Years after it happened && she never gave up on finding her happiness.

I do believe that it comes when you least expect it.

But what do I know.

I just keep smiling πŸ™‚

Keep waiting 😍

Keep wishing πŸ₯°

Keep hoping ☺️

Stay happy ❀️

Stay true 😁

 

xoxoLaLa

Future Things && Such

I have never saw myself being the kind of person to get married.

Or have kids.

Or pretty much any of those “dreams” that “normal” people seem to have either while they are growing up or a little later in life.

I spoke to soon. (Of course)

If someone were to ask me what I wanted.

I would simply say.

My life.

My life to feel complete.

Now that I am hitting that age where it’s like “ahh I’m getting older gotta make some life changing choices” maybe for the better, but who really knows (super sarcastic voice, while reading it at a slightly faster speed)

But for the past few weeks, I’ve been sitting and thinking about where I would like to see myself in a few years.
&& I’ve come to find that the answer is very simple.

It is to be happy.
Happier.

Crazy to say this out loud but I could totally get down with tying the knot. Eh maybe.

But I already have a kid. βœ”οΈ

Single. βœ”οΈ

But all I would like

(Now that I am actually writing this I feel super weird about it. Is it too late to turn back now and pretend that I didn’t go down this path!? πŸ™ˆ Someone is framing me! ha)

I sit and smile.

Basically daydreaming about what I want.

(happy thoughts)

I am not going to settle or deal with so much bullskit… yes I know I spelled it that way. Don’t have a cow πŸ™ƒ it’s my lingo. Its my jam.

My “list” or “wants” are super basic.
Super simple.
Super easy.
Eh let’s make a list of like 5 things I see in my future or shall I say, want in my future!

…. I’m laughing at myself 🀣🀣 literally dying of laugher.

This is stupid πŸ™„

What am I actually getting myself into?

Uh. f it.

Onward we go!

I’m going to stick to my guns πŸ˜‰ && say it out loud

1. Tall guy. Like a tall guy. So tall. Like really tall. Just tall.

2. Super sense of humor that’s also a kid at heart like myself

3. Dog. Here is why. I really can see myself with a little puppy and just going from there.  (I miss having one and just want to do it all over again!)

Like come home from work and BAM there is my little family.

Guy. Daughter(already made.) Dog. (Maybe 2) Me.

Umm.
So I’m stuck at three, so we are just going to say three things.

Lol for a split second I felt like I was writing an “ad” on a dating site. But this is my blog.

I do what I want.

I write what I want.

And for now. I got nothing else. But I am looking forward to the next few years. I guess we shall see what happens.

(Fingers Crossed 🀞🏼)

But until then.

I’ll continue to dream 😁☺️

xoxoLaLa

Why Companionship?

Does that word mean anything?

It seems more like an old legend most days, to me anyways.
I’ve told myself time and time again that its not in the cards for me.
People can be so shady, most of the time if not all of the time.
It’s like honesty never existed and its a myth.
Something that my great great great great great great great great grandparents came up with..
(not really, but you get my drift)

But why?
Why do we want the comfort from another soul?
Why do we crave for that love? That attention…
Why do we feel those things as if they are needs?
Some of us might find ourselves doing something out of the normal just to get that attention… just to feel wanted by someone… who doesn’t give two fs about you.
To one day wake up and they walk out on you before you get the chance to..
It’s crazy.
It’s ridiculous.
It’s sad….
But it is real…

Feeling forgotten.
Feeling unloved.
Feeling like you don’t belong.
Feeling like nobody.
Feeling like the world doesn’t understand you.
Feeling like you have nothing.
Feeling lost.
Feeling damn near dead inside.
Feeling all the bad things you could ever dream imaginable…

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times, personally, that I’ve sat around,
cancelled plans, came up with excuses to sit around hating everything and sulk in misery from what someone caused me, blaming myself for things that I could not control.
It sucked
It really sucked…

Just to maybe get the chance at happiness.
A chance to see what this life is all about.
A moment to feel happy.
To feel like I belonged somewhere..
To be loved..
Finally.

But…
More times I’ve been blown off instead.
Treated like nothing.
Completely ignored, forgotten
Like I literally wasn’t a person
Like I wasn’t a person with a beating heart, that had feelings….
I could never understand what I had done wrong.
What was wrong with me? (that was always the first thing that came into my head)
How can I fix this?
What can I do to change things?
Wishing I could turn back time…
Wishing I could make things right.. that were never meant to be that way… unfortunately

But the only thing that I really needed to be was something completely different
I needed to be stronger….
I needed to become the person that I once was many years ago
The person who was to young to care and only wanted to have a good laugh and stay up late
Playing board games and card games…
Way before I knew anything about “championships”

But,
The bad seed of people would come back again…
With the same lines and the same routine….
I always gave second, third even tenth chances…
I don’t know why I did….
I know…Β  why I did…
I just wanted to be wanted… but that was the wrong way to get that attention…
Why is it so bad to want that feeling?
Why does it seem like it is so rare to come across?
Is everyone really this shitty?
Who knows..
One day I will learn.
Lessons are learned everyday.
Some people just take a little longer to fully understand what is being taught.
I will get there one day
I promise I will….

I need to look out for myself, because no one else will do that for me
I have to look out for the bad and replace it with the good
I have to realize that not everyone is on my side..
I have to realize that I am not an option when everything else fails..
I have to see, I have to see that it is not the way to continue to live my life.

I have to be strong
I have to take control
I have to get my life back
I have to find the things that made me happy
I have to recover all that I have lost
I have to move forward, and never look back
I have to be a strong soul for myself and my family
I have to be the one who can inspire
I have to be myself
I have to put myself first
I have to say “Fuck the rest”

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xoxoLaLa

Living a Lie?

I’ve been living a lie for so long.

I am 28, still trying to find myself.. still trying to figure out where I belong.
I feel like I have always known what my purpose was…
but I just kept avoiding it like the plague

I’ve tried to change things about myself..
Things in my life..
All to find happiness..
But the joke was on me because nothing really made me that happy
Avoiding something doesn’t fix anything…
Unwanted changes only temporarily hide the problem

I switched jobs…
(Sort of)
To learn something new..
To be able to have a better income..
To build a better life…
To be happier?
but I haven’t left the thing that I enjoy doing the most
&& I don’t think that I can
…. I don’t think that it is possible….

I like tattoos, I love tattoos..
They give my life a mini story on the side to tell
But I haven’t gotten any in a while now…
Every time I scheduled one, I bailed.
Why?
I don’t know.
All I really want to do is just finish my arm…
Maybe one day LaLa
But that is all besides the point of this post.
This part is just a little side note for no real reason and so is the next two sections…
Heads up seven up
(But at the end, maybe it will all make sense as one post to you!?)

I like piercings, I love piercings
I loved having my plugs
but they got so irritated and I had to let them go
&& close after 5 years of having them…
I thought I was ready for a change
I wanted to leave that in the past and begin a “new life”
But
Then I took a look in the mirror one day and realized, that this wasn’t me
I felt so incomplete without them
I was missing something so small but yet made such a huge impact on me
So I stretched them back! πŸ™‚
… I think they will be here to stay.. go big or go home?

I like make-up, I love make-up
There is just something about getting “ready” in the morning
Something that just makes my heart a little happier each time.
No I am not the best at it
&& I am far from a professional
But I manage.
Sometimes I do go out of the box and create different looks but lately..
Lately, I have let the ball drop on my creative looks..
Just keeping it simple….
But there is nothing wrong with that.
It is still a joy to get ready every morning…
For myself..

That was a month ago.

I was sitting at home.. thinking
Thinking about where I belong
Thinking about what I want to do
Thinking about how to get there
And hating myself for stopping anything that made me happy.

I am a cook with tattoos && plugs that enjoys make up
Pretty to look at but serious about what I do.
Not everyone can say that..
For me..
Its not about the attention
Its about the feeling of accomplishment
The feeling of being beat after a long or short day
Being annoyed by the people in the kitchen,
All at the same time to love what you do
It is definitely not something for everyone,
It can be stressful
But at the end of the day…
Creating something for others to enjoy beats it all.

I am a cook part-time now
I don’t think that I will ever be able to give it up completely
Maybe one day I will become a sous chef.
Maybe.
Or maybe I will go in a different direction.

I am all over the place 99.7 % of the time and it can become difficult to deal with myself at times but this is one thing that I know. If there is something that you are passionate about or enjoy whether it is professional or not. Keep at it.
&& Don’t second guess yourself… you got thissssssssssss

OH HELL YEAAAA

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xoxoLaLa

Finding Strength

Struggling to keep my composure.
Struggling to not think about you, or anything that has to do with you.

It sucks, but it has to be done.

I don’t want to keep living this life for someone else that never cared.
I don’t want to keep living my life without you though.
I don’t want to keep living my life with you in my thoughts.
I don’t want to keep feeling the sadness that I once thought was all happiness.

I miss you,
I miss you more than you will ever know.

…………

A little bit of time has passed,
Time that I didn’t get to speak to you.
Time that I didn’t get to see you….
But
I had the chance,
I just opted not to.
I wanted to see if you would still be there if I took a step back.
I wanted to see if you really cared for me or at least thought about me.
But you didn’t.

What was I thinking?

This whole time I was blinded,
Blinded by hope and maybe even desperation.
I wanted you to want the same things that I did..
But I was wrong.

………..

It was a lie.
A lie in which I let go on for way too long.
A lie that would string me for years to come.

I was just happy with you.
Very happy.
The thought of you made my heart skip a beat.
(Even years later)
Every time I would see your name, I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
You made me the happiest I have ever been…
In such a long time.

IMG_2975

You made me smile from ear to ear, everyday for so long
I couldn’t wait to wake up the next morning to hear from you.

But we were never truly on the same page.

…………

Never let anyone be the reason to your happiness.
Include them.
Do not let them be the main reason.
Be happy.
Find you.
Who needs em?
Not you!

 

 

xoxoLaLa