Thinking Out Loud


Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..


Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.


The “Lucky” Lottery Ticket

So I brought a lottery ticket today in hopes that it would indeed change my life?

I say that with a question because I think that it is something that people usually hope for when they play? (shoulder shrug)

So I am clearly just following the crowd (well trying too)

I have this thing that I rather wait until I am home and all settled in and then I bust out the lottery ticket and scratch away.

It’s been years it feels like since I last played but I think I’ve become delusion with I don’t know, everything, that I feel like I could actually win (who doesn’t?)

(I can definitely assure you that I am not an addict, I swear!)

It is just one of those things I don’t mind spending like 5 bucks on once in a while.

Just to get it out of my head and off my mind

I know they say that when you feel like playing those are the best times to play and have a  better chance of winning but if that was the case wouldn’t we have all won something worth it every time?

lol NAHHHH, that makes way too much sense.

So anyways I got the ticket in a K Mart, I know like who still shops there? Is it even still a thing?


I only went in there to kill time (more like an hour and a half) while my car was getting an oil change and an inspection (…the struggle)

After walking through the store, seeing all these high ass prices for no reason, I finally made it back to civilization aka the main entrance/exit and saw the machine. It wasn’t the newer fancy ones that you can play the Power Ball on, but I ain’t picky

So I glance over the very slim pickings (they were literally like all out) and picked a $2.00 Monopoly ticket, I could of went more and got the $5.00 one but I didn’t feel the need to splurge.

So obviously being cheap I went with the $2.00 option, went outside. Sat on a bench
(I think it was for the bus) and debated for a few minutes if I wanted to collect my winnings now or wait for a surprise later.

I got antsy and scratched it there.

(I always scratch the regular numbers before revealing the winning numbers)
Scratched the first row, then the second, didn’t get the bonus so I scratch off the winning number of 5 and 7.

I looked over my ticked about 3 times (I don’t know why, it was literally like 10 numbers total) and didn’t win a god damn thing.


Was I surprised? Nope, not at all

At least it was only 2 bucks!

As the groundhog from PA says: “Keep on Scratching!”