Closure

 

I think I am ready to officially be done && close this chapter in my life.
It has been a long 3 years but I think it is better if it ended this way.
I know to you it doesn’t matter much, but to me, I rather have some sort of closure.
I swear it has taken me sooo long.. way too long to even say this && actually mean it.

For once it seems like the ball was in my court.
You gave me that power.
&& for once I never returned it back to you.
I let it in limbo for a while now, you may not know this but I do.

Even thinking about certain things it makes me feel a little uneasy.
But it makes it a little better that I still hold control.
Just thinking about how different things can be for me, makes me smile a little more.

I no longer feel like I am obligated.
I no longer feel like I am being controlled.
I no longer feel like an option.
I no longer feel false hope, when we both knew the truth.

I can’t even lie && say that I am completely over it && its out of my head.
Because I am not. It still hangs around me unfortunately.
That fear is still there…
That fear of me losing myself again.. && all for what?
To be miserable?
To be alone?
To feel destroyed?

I have held back.

(until now)

I hate that thinking about it makes me question things.
Question them in a way that ends up being my fault.
But I know its not.
I seriously lost myself.

For way too long.
Happiness wasn’t a real things.
It was more like a mirage or something.
Just a click of a switch && it was back to your way.
Stupid.

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to look or wonder what if.
I never wanted to.
The feeling of loneliness can give you so many false images.
I hate that.

But I think I am finally going in the right direction.
Not so many sleepless nights.
Nights hoping to hear from you knowing I wouldn’t.
So many times.
So many excuses.

Never mattered.
I never mattered.
&& now I can say.
That I don’t even care.

This is my closure.
This is my truth.
This is my life.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa

Taking A Long Break To Live Like An Adult

Frick Frack Cadillac
Look at that, Oh hey LaLa’s Back (in actionnnnnnnnn) *screaming*

HEYYYYYYYY

How is everyone doing on this mighty fine day!? I’m going to assume everyone is in tip top amazingly fantesticle shape && feeling fabtastic on a stick.

Now…
Moving on to more important news.
So I have been in my “first” apartment for over a year now and it went by super fast and it is such a great feeling of accomplishment until…..
Them bills start flying in and it is just solely, taking on all financials by myself, the last places that I have lived were with people that I was dating at the time.

blah blah.

But that has all changed because I am a sack of shit no one wants! 🙂

(lmao totally joking)

But seriously it is sooo nice,

like so, so so nice to be able to have something like your space, your own place to yourself. It is be bees knees.. lol

It is obviously an accomplishment and is an amazingly good feeling. Something that I have not felt like ever in my many years of life and adulthood which is nice, its a nice change of pace.

Along with getting my own place, I have been working literally all the time, (usually working 6 days a week) but that has changed a little to me actually working 7 days a week for a few weeks. About a month and that is a motherfucking killer, making my weekends the longest work days at 12 hour days waking up around 6 in the morning to get home around 9:30 at night.

I know it is crazy, it is like I am addicting to working or something .

I am obsessed with being independent lol look at me committing a “crime.”

But since then I have slowed down a little with my work life. Losing a job is NOT the best thing to deal with in the world but it obviously happens. And it happened to this gal! (two thumbs up to myself) #adultlife

I know it’s not a joking matter but I am slowly waiting for my life to just fall apart completely, yay!

What else is new..

but enough about the boring lets keep this conversation moving into a more “positive” light.

So like I have mentioned before, in the beginning of this blog I am back, (that whole frick frack Cadillac bid) I haven’t really left. I have been around, just not posting a whole lot. I enjoy reading other blogs and hearing their stories.

I also enjoy writing my own things a lot so don’t be surprised if you see tons of posts out of know where, trust me it will be as normal as possible. I have literally over 50 drafts that are sitting and waiting to be finished.

I know.. I know

But that is the fun part about writing. I would love to know what you guys have been up to if anything or if you have been looking or waiting for me to post (probably not, but one can dream)

Anyways.

I feel like this is

………

Bless me!

( I literally can’t with this sneezing shit, it just ruins the mood, ha)

Well now with that I am outta here, stuffy nose and all.
Just a heads up, if you made it this far you will realize that I clearly went off track and had nothing else to add to this blog but the main purpose was to let all you fantastic people know that I am still here! (trying)

xoxoLaLa

Time

I don’t like the day and age I live in.
Correction…
We live in.
Compared to the other decades that have long passed, this one seems almost impossible to live in.
To get by in.
To find happiness in.
To live normally in.
To have something real in.

(It’s crazy honestly)

One minute you could feel like you are on top of the world and nothing can stop you or bring you down. Nothing can stand in your way for you are completely invincible.

(Or maybe… that’s me)….
(Well probably just me)
(Anyways.. moving forward, back to the point on this entry)

If people could take the time out to respond to someone or at least let them know what the deal is so they can stop having their time wasted..
If people could just be more considerate of others.. that would be AMAZING!! 
If more people could take the time to acknowledge when they are in the wrong and try to make it right…
that would be INCREDBILY AWESOME!!
If more people were just honest with themselves and not try to put on a “front or a “show” just for other peoples entertainment..
That would be FLIPPIN FANTASTIC!!
But no…
that is clearly too much to ask for 😦
..way too much to ask for..

As a society, we seem to do more bad than good.
As a society, we seem to care more about what other people think that do not matter.
As a society, we should understand how people work, and how it is different for everyone.
It is about time, that we as a society take a step in a different direction and learn to protect and respect other people.

For we all are only human and our feelings are real.
Our feelings are what holds us together.
It is our glue…..

But no one will actually ever do that.
It seems to be way too much.
Way to difficult.
Way to “not my problem” -ish
Way to “sucks to be you”
But..
I don’t literally mean no one..
just most people wont,
They wont, because it gives them that sense of people wanting them, when that is not always the cast. Those kind of people are attention seekers. Seeing the world as an opposite.

People need to get off of their invisible high horses and get back reality.
Get back to the times when it was okay to care about other people.
Back in the days when it was okay to show some real feelings, and no one faulted you for being yourself.

Since when did everything become just for show?
Since when did everything seem to become a competition?
Since when did we become so cruel in not only our words but with our actions?

There are way too many people in this world that can’t seem to grasp reality to the point that anyone on the other end side of them will only be able to see the negativity.

&& with that..

It gives them that sense that they have options, which is obviously wrong
&& ridiculous.
I would like people to know and to understand that things like this are a reason why people have certain thoughts and become hurt or even damage themselves…

People need to be aware and have the respect for one another to just speak up and not ignore others, or treat others like they are an option..
… but instead

Talk. Engage. Learn.

xoxoLaLa