Questioned

I know we are not together nor were we ever together or even be together for that matter.

So why am I here?
Why have I cared so much?
Why have I waited for you almost everyday just to hear something as simple as hi!?
You know the one thing that sucks the most is that being the kind of person that I am doesn’t get you anywhere!
Caring, loyal, honest, trustworthy etc… it’s all trash.. nothing but bullshit!
It’s all made up for people like me to be used && ignored and treated like nothing!

No feelings no emotions.
No nothing!

I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to let go.
Oh wait,
I know why..
…because I am me && I am not good enough for anyone.

Not worth anyone’s time… So why am I here?

Every time when I think something is going to get better it doesn’t, but why would it?
That would be way to easy.
There are times when I wish that I wasn’t the way that I am.
I guess I am a rare breed which only makes the most sense.
I’m not lucky enough to even feel happiness or feel like it is something to be worth being so different.
I rather not give a single fuck.
Like 99.8% of the world.
Unfortunately, there will be so many missed opportunities because my heart won’t let me leave the one that I really, really liked spending time with.
But that is just a memory now.
Left in the past..
Drifted away in the wind…

One that I don’t wish to read up on again because it would honestly hurt way too much.
I am at the point where I just want it to all go away.
I shouldn’t of been so blind for so long, because who knows, I could of been a lot happier by now….
But I am also afraid to write down certain things because they are the things that I don’t wish to remember or relive…
Where is that person who is suppose to tell me that everything is going to be alright!?

 

I guess that person doesn’t exist either.

xoxoLaLa

Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa