Coming to an End

Sometimes it is hard to believe that I keep falling for the same BS people dish out to me. I’ve been blown off && forgotten about more times than I would like to admit.

But it’s true

I kind of hate how I am. A true Pisces.

&& it can be super annoying
because at the end of the day I still care && don’t want to hurt anybody on that level….
While it has always seems to happen to me && then I am stuck there left alone.
Left on Read.
&& ignored like nothing happened …

Three strikes && your out.
But yet I keep stepping back up to the plate..

I want to be happy. I really do but I don’t know why I keep letting others put me down.
I am stronger than that && I have to learn that it is okay to hurt others.. to a degree
&& to speak my mind even if it is something that they are not going to want to hear.
&& that is one of my fears..

I am already all alone.
My life is pretty bland.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Nothing.

But people will make it seem that way.
I have always dropped or changed things around that I wanted to do just to get the chance to hangout with someone I was looking forward to seeing.
&& in return… it is never that way. I hate it.

I need to change the way I am.

I have to stop letting others get the best of me.

I have to be a stronger person because I do not need them.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t enjoy my company.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t respect me enough to speak what’s on their mind instead of leading me on.

I don’t need or want false hope.

I would just like to be treated the way that you would want someone to treat you.

&& I don’t think it is that much to ask for honestly.

I think no matter what I will still always have a good heart.

Just not for you anymore.

4ver && always
xoxoLaLa

8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… 😔

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

🔎💔💔💔💔

xoxoLaLa