Closure

 

I think I am ready to officially be done && close this chapter in my life.
It has been a long 3 years but I think it is better if it ended this way.
I know to you it doesn’t matter much, but to me, I rather have some sort of closure.
I swear it has taken me sooo long.. way too long to even say this && actually mean it.

For once it seems like the ball was in my court.
You gave me that power.
&& for once I never returned it back to you.
I let it in limbo for a while now, you may not know this but I do.

Even thinking about certain things it makes me feel a little uneasy.
But it makes it a little better that I still hold control.
Just thinking about how different things can be for me, makes me smile a little more.

I no longer feel like I am obligated.
I no longer feel like I am being controlled.
I no longer feel like an option.
I no longer feel false hope, when we both knew the truth.

I can’t even lie && say that I am completely over it && its out of my head.
Because I am not. It still hangs around me unfortunately.
That fear is still there…
That fear of me losing myself again.. && all for what?
To be miserable?
To be alone?
To feel destroyed?

I have held back.

(until now)

I hate that thinking about it makes me question things.
Question them in a way that ends up being my fault.
But I know its not.
I seriously lost myself.

For way too long.
Happiness wasn’t a real things.
It was more like a mirage or something.
Just a click of a switch && it was back to your way.
Stupid.

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to look or wonder what if.
I never wanted to.
The feeling of loneliness can give you so many false images.
I hate that.

But I think I am finally going in the right direction.
Not so many sleepless nights.
Nights hoping to hear from you knowing I wouldn’t.
So many times.
So many excuses.

Never mattered.
I never mattered.
&& now I can say.
That I don’t even care.

This is my closure.
This is my truth.
This is my life.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Coming to an End

Sometimes it is hard to believe that I keep falling for the same BS people dish out to me. I’ve been blown off && forgotten about more times than I would like to admit.

But it’s true

I kind of hate how I am. A true Pisces.

&& it can be super annoying
because at the end of the day I still care && don’t want to hurt anybody on that level….
While it has always seems to happen to me && then I am stuck there left alone.
Left on Read.
&& ignored like nothing happened …

Three strikes && your out.
But yet I keep stepping back up to the plate..

I want to be happy. I really do but I don’t know why I keep letting others put me down.
I am stronger than that && I have to learn that it is okay to hurt others.. to a degree
&& to speak my mind even if it is something that they are not going to want to hear.
&& that is one of my fears..

I am already all alone.
My life is pretty bland.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Nothing.

But people will make it seem that way.
I have always dropped or changed things around that I wanted to do just to get the chance to hangout with someone I was looking forward to seeing.
&& in return… it is never that way. I hate it.

I need to change the way I am.

I have to stop letting others get the best of me.

I have to be a stronger person because I do not need them.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t enjoy my company.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t respect me enough to speak what’s on their mind instead of leading me on.

I don’t need or want false hope.

I would just like to be treated the way that you would want someone to treat you.

&& I don’t think it is that much to ask for honestly.

I think no matter what I will still always have a good heart.

Just not for you anymore.

4ver && always
xoxoLaLa