A Story. Feelings.

I hate the feeling of being alone.

It’s so easy to get lost in some of the things that we have that are apart of our lives.

I sometimes seem to forget that it is just me.

Thinking too much. (It’s becoming a rare thing) thankfully!

But just having that want of someone else to share life with seems like a dying thing.

There are things that I think are “together” things but when left alone I feel completely lost.

Only to remind myself that it is just me.

Sometimes I do feel like it will always just me, && I halfway am accepting of that…

Even with some happiness and being hopeful… I feel as if it is just a phase.

Somethings are just never meant to be understood.

I wish I could understand most things like that though but only

Without any feeling.

No hurt. No pain. No emotion.

Just the knowledge.

No overreacting. No caring. No emotion.

It’s currently a Thursday night.

Didn’t work all day.

Did a lot of running around.

Some studying.

Alone.

Now that the time is getting closer to the end of the day.

I wish I had something going on for me.

I work a lot. && those days get missed.

I miss so many things.

But then when I have time.

More hours. Even days.

I’m usually stuck with nothing.

No one.

Just me.

Just alone.

Just debating my next move.

Still dressed.

Makeup still on.

Just want to do something. With someone.

But why does that always seem so much to ask for?

No one cares?

Why does no one care?

Running around in circles with myself trying to make sense of the smallest things.

Then it all makes sense.

It’s just me.

I remember a few years ago…

Being by myself. I felt different.

I felt. Like no one could tell me anything.

Unstoppable? Eh.

But more carefree? Yes.

Confident.

Happy.

Hopeful.

&& it honestly showed.

I don’t think anyone would of guessed that.

I’m going to get back to that time.

The better times.

I’m about to have a lot on my plate soon.

But it will be alright.

Sure it will…

Keeping in mind of the things that I want in life.

Not to settle.

&& get to everything that I want to accomplish.

Even on the days where I feel like there is no real hope.

I’ll push through it.

Alone or not.

With or without someone by my side.

I’ll do my best.

I promise.

Thanks for listening.

Forever alone ❤️

xoxoLaLa

Available

There is such a thing as being to available.

I am one of those people.
I am one of those people who always seems to be available..

Maybe because I haven’t got anything else really going for me.

I will sit in silence for so long just to hear any kind of notification..
..half the time its one of those texts that are really about nothing from a company or a reminder.. lame

I hate that..
I have a social life that doesn’t exist.
One that I am not sure how to gain.
No distractions..
No nothing.
Just silence.
Waiting.

…Just available.

How does that make me look?
Always there are soon as I hear something.
Quick responder.
So lame..
For so long it has been so hard for me to get a grasp on things.
My mind can never seem to be focused on one thing without the feeling,
or wondering what I could be missing out on..

9.9/10 its nothing…

I hate social media sometimes,
but it seems like the best option to get myself out there to not feel so
ALONE?
or needy? I don’t know.

The older you get the harder it gets.
Just sitting thinking how it is so hard to change
I don’t know what to do or even where to begin…

When things seem to be promising they always seem to find a way of ripping
itself out of my reach… why?
… (maybe it is just me)…

But yet I am still available..

How can I turn this off?
Why does this seem to be my thing?
Maybe one day I will figure it out…

Thanks for listening..

Until next time.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

What is Writing…

Writing is the best form of communication for me.
It doesn’t mess me up. (It has my back.)
Or have me stumbling over my own words.
It doesn’t make me look stupid or embarrassed.
Or forget important information that could be lost in the heat of a communication.

Writing to me is so powerful.
Its form really does take all!
It is beautiful in all of its glory.
&& gives all the readers a chance to take things in a new light…
Set their own tone.

Writing is there when no one else seems to be…

Writing is love.
Love that is always there for you when you need it the most.
This form fills your heart.
It makes you happy.
It makes you feel so hopeful, like nothing in this world could stop it.
It has a heart that beats along with yours forever in tune.

Writing is so playful.
It can give you the hints of the world while keeping a smile on your face.
It can be one of the most memorable times because the memories would be forever.

Writing is sadness.
It will cause you extreme hurt, pain && doubt.
This writing would make you feel so alone.
So worthless.
So helpless.

Writing to me is a song.
The words can get stuck in your head && tangled in your thoughts.
It gives off a lovely melody to satisfy your mood.
The depth of the words can bring out the best or the worst in people.

Writing is a fight.
Everyone writes, but not everyone wins.

Writing is a lesson. 
That can only be learned with commitment && time.

Writing is me.

xoxoLaLa

 

Why the Fukk Do You Care?

LITERALLY!

One of the things that I have never seemed to fully come to terms with over the past..
Lets just say many years… 🙂
… caring.. overthinking.. (perfect recipe for disaster right?) ha

See here is the thing;
We all think that we are so much different from everyone else,
&& that no one understands our struggles.. “struggles”

Like dude… I get it.. Life sucks sometimes, but what’s the point of taking all your energy && putting it towards something that doesn’t matter.

Something that will not get you ANY WHERE! Absolutely nowhere in this goddamn world! 🙂
I struggle with that sometimes. So I can speak in it…
But not that often,
It seems to come out of no where && just fukk my whole life up.
Then I get stuck && start to think about life as a whole..
&& try to figure out if I even belong..

I know..
We all know..
Shit sucks
&& it is uber annoying…
But it is okay..
I promise.

I know that every time you are looking to reach out,
you can feel like there is no one there to hear you,
or want to hear you..
But here is the thing..
You have to do that yourself.

You have to be the one that has that kind of control over your life.
Ha like me so..
Literally not even an hour ago.
Driving.
Just thinking.
Music.
More thinking.
More driving

Random ass Sadness.

Then I just kind of started saying things out loud that I didn’t really think anyone would want to hear or understand.

But it fucking helped.

It made me realize somethings.. some more things to add on the list about myself.
It made me see that there are literally a trillion things wrong in this world && I am not one of those mothafuckersssss
It made me smile through my bullshit ass tears, (still don’t really know what made me so upset.)
It made me laugh.
&& it made me feel like I belonged to myself.
But…
One thing that we fail to realize is that,
PEOPLE
ARE
NOT
CREATED
TO
FILL
YOUR
HAPPINESS

Seriously,
Like sometimes you just got to take a bullet.
Look like a stupid fucker.
Get over it.
&& be your biggest supporter!

Another thing we fail to realize is that, you
YES.. you my friend… need to be your own cheerleader.
You have to be the one to make yourself happy.

Because..
Shit.. we are all out here taking all this time to create sadness or even pity for ourselves && focusing on literally something that doesn’t matter.. that never mattered.
Why the fuck do we care though?

Insecure?
Maybe for some?

Everyone has their own reasons,
but I feel like they are all very similar && definitely connect.

That is why I write…

There are times when I just sit && there is nothing but sadness filled in these words,
but for me..
I rather get them out in the open && out of my head.
Try to clear some room for the happiness I deserve.

Also,
Something to remember…
It is okay to be a little hard on yourself.
ITS IIGHT..

I can admit that I am stupid at times && look back wishing I could take things back..

But this is real life
&& not a fucking movie so that shit ain’t about to happen.

Now with that all being said..
I hope you were able to smile…
Maybe even laugh.. just a teeny tiny bit..
&& most importantly..
I hope you were able to take something positive away from my words…

Seriously,
Because your fucking dope.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Closure

 

I think I am ready to officially be done && close this chapter in my life.
It has been a long 3 years but I think it is better if it ended this way.
I know to you it doesn’t matter much, but to me, I rather have some sort of closure.
I swear it has taken me sooo long.. way too long to even say this && actually mean it.

For once it seems like the ball was in my court.
You gave me that power.
&& for once I never returned it back to you.
I let it in limbo for a while now, you may not know this but I do.

Even thinking about certain things it makes me feel a little uneasy.
But it makes it a little better that I still hold control.
Just thinking about how different things can be for me, makes me smile a little more.

I no longer feel like I am obligated.
I no longer feel like I am being controlled.
I no longer feel like an option.
I no longer feel false hope, when we both knew the truth.

I can’t even lie && say that I am completely over it && its out of my head.
Because I am not. It still hangs around me unfortunately.
That fear is still there…
That fear of me losing myself again.. && all for what?
To be miserable?
To be alone?
To feel destroyed?

I have held back.

(until now)

I hate that thinking about it makes me question things.
Question them in a way that ends up being my fault.
But I know its not.
I seriously lost myself.

For way too long.
Happiness wasn’t a real things.
It was more like a mirage or something.
Just a click of a switch && it was back to your way.
Stupid.

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to look or wonder what if.
I never wanted to.
The feeling of loneliness can give you so many false images.
I hate that.

But I think I am finally going in the right direction.
Not so many sleepless nights.
Nights hoping to hear from you knowing I wouldn’t.
So many times.
So many excuses.

Never mattered.
I never mattered.
&& now I can say.
That I don’t even care.

This is my closure.
This is my truth.
This is my life.

xoxoLaLa