Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa

Like a Scene From the Movies

Where did I miss the turn?

When did it all go wrong?

Why haven’t I been able to see past all the things that have blinded me for so long?

I swear that I am not asking for a lot.

Just something.

Something small.

Something that some might even take for granted.

I swear sometimes I feel like I could be in a movie.

You know the kind where everything just falls in to place like an amazing big fat fairy tale.

But then always.

ALWAYS.

When I am about to get to the good part it stops working….

The connection is lost..

I am lost..

It is basically like the end of the world…

<——————————————————->

Don’t we all want to be someone’s favorite good morning && favorite good night?

Or is that just me?

Sometimes more often than planned..

I crave that attention..

Probably because I never get it!

But I do welcome it, just not to anyone though,

Should I be that person in the movies who goes after what they want?

Or be that person who waits for it all to come to them ?

Both sound pretty unsure.

Dammit

Let’s flip a coin && see if it will land on tails….

<——————————————————->

I always joke around && say that I will meet this person at the grocery.

We would be in the same aisle.

Reaching for the same item && actually touch hands &&

BOOM 

MOVIE GOLD

Then we have this great conversation && it turns out that we have a shit ton in common..
blah. blah. blah
&& live happily ever after….

lol

Well to be more specific.
We would be in the soup aisle.
You will be reaching for a soup near the top.. eh maybe like a cream soup
&& I will reach for the same one.
Knowing damn well I don’t eat soup..

lol

I was literally laughing the whole time while I wrote that last little bit,
(I just thought you would like to know that.)

#funfact

But man, I really don’t know.
I feel like I am always talk about the same kind of things in my posts. But it is all at different times in the year or month or day, it is just a “common” topic for myself.
(Again… this is basically my journal for you to get lost in..)

You know we all go through these things in life && sometimes revisiting it seems to shed more light on to somethings && it all makes sense again.

I am patiently “waiting”
Sort of becoming impatient because time is ticking away.

BUT

What can you really do, settling is not an option for this fool!

xoxoLaLa

 

This might sound crazy…

I don’t even know who you are

&& I’m already in love with everything about you

I can already feel my cheeks hurting from all the smiling I will do when I think of you

I am already looking forward to all the amazing things that we can do together, all the adventures and all the little things that will make us happy

I can already feel the warmth of your touch, for it has been missing for way too long

I can almost hear your words of sweet nothings as I talk to you every night

I can feel your hand to wipe away my tears of sadness when you must leave me for the night

I can hear you whisper good night as you close the door behind you

I can feel your heart beat through your chest as the speed matches mine!

I can almost hear your laughter as I tell you a little joke that was not that funny

I already appreciate you for supporting me in everything I’ve been wanting to accomplish

&& I appreciate your hugs after a long day

Thank you,
Whoever you are!

xoxoLaLa

Nothing But Thoughts

Have you  ever just looked at something and thought damn… my life really does suck, “I’m missing a whole lot, like how am I even living?”

(okay you get my drift)

It seems like lately I have only been talking about the same topics, but it is one of those things that I do feel strongly about. (like 80% of the time)

There are times when I see things that I get “jealous” of….
See things that I want and things that make me think…

“Well how do I get that?”

Happiness …

(I am so obvious at this point)

I was recently browsing on literally every kind of social media that I have an account to (literally like 3) and noticed how people possess this band with another person that seems to make the world stop and they are the only ones in it.

Maybe that takes an extension of happiness and is more along the lines of LOVE, something I clearly lack in the relationship world.

And after a few years I am still unsure of how I feel about where I am and what I have…..

I hate that I go through these “phases” one minute I am absolutely happy with being single and the next it feels like it is the end of the world.

But hey what can you really expect when you don’t put yourself out there or people think you are not real on dating sites…

Clearly  a win, win situation right there.
Who knows.
Anyways…

Dating sites are not for me, I find them to become annoying  after like a week of people copying and pasting the same message or people who are on their to find someone to PLUCK.

In my uneducated opinion I find that on a whole different level and maybe, I am being a bit harsh by saying this…

“But if you are on a dating site solely to sleep with someone, you should probably reevaluate your thoughts and your life?” Like come on, you don’t know anyone in your real life to bone….
One thing I will never understand and I am also one of those people who is not all about throwing it to the first, second, third or tenth person who gives me attention.

Not about that life.

img_4250

I am fortunately, (or unfortunately) one of those “rare” people who has enough respect for myself to not see how many guys I can get. I am an independent person who actually has a good heart (working well… still not sure) but that’s  just the way I am you can either take it or leave it. (leave it is the most popular option so check that box before you leave!)

But it literally is all crazy to think about. But that’s just my thoughts and opinions with some fun facts about me…

End Rant?

xoxoLaLa