8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… πŸ˜”

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

πŸ”ŽπŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

xoxoLaLa

The Curse of the Heart

There’s been way too many times where I felt like an idiot,

I am true to my sign and it is unfortunate… too me anyways,

How many chances is one willing to give and get nothing in return besides apologizes?

Why is it that I am the last thing that matters?

When nothing else is going on then maybe we can see what I’m up to or try to make time for me..

I don’t want to be anyone’s last option but here I am doing just that,

My heart is heavy && it seems like it’s not reversible. The damage is done.

No amount of bandages can patch up a wound this big…

No amount of sorries can make me feel loved again…

I have a heart.
I have a huge heart.
I have a heart that only wishes to please && get nothing in return.
Why?

Why am I like this?

Why is it always me?

Why can’t anyone see me for me?

Why do I have to be this way?

No one cares..

I spend my only day to do anything I can do, waiting on you.

Hoping with my heart filled with happiness,

Only for it to be taken away just as fast, like it never existed.

I am such an idiot for thinking anyone would want to take the chance to get to know me.

Have the chance to be happy,

&& feel loved.

Who was I kidding?

It is up to me to break the cycle…

but unfortunately, I don’t like to hurt people in that way && make them feel unwanted or ignore them….

Even though it happens to me more than it should.
I have a heart and it sucks πŸ™

It is like a curse && there is no curing that.

πŸ’”πŸ˜ž

xoxoLaLa

Facing My Fears

So over time.
As I got older.
I guess I kind of fell out of being a social person.
Even though I really never was one.
But over time I was able to get over being shy.

I’ve come along way && I am happy about that.

So about a few months ago.
I wanted to go out by myself to a bar like I used to, but that never happened because I got a panic attack quickly and aborted the mission.

I went out again && it was a bit successful.
I mean during the day is not problem because usually there is no one there or anyone that I might find attractive.

But today was the day that I finally sucked it up after going back and forth on what I should do && I did it!

😁😁😁

I am actually currently sitting at this bar /pub that I have been at one time before with a friend. (It’s close so I went with it.)

It’s pretty dead here right about now but that’s okay. (10:10 PM)

I don’t know how to take this all in but I am here && that’s all that matters.

This is a step in a new direction for myself, && it feels so it’s nice.

I realize that this all sounds pretty stupid to a regular person who actually does stuff with their lives but it’s me && I am pretty lame

GO ME!

Fast forward to about 20 minutes later on my first drink still.
Ha!
&& I am feeling it, watching basketball and baseball.
So exciting right!?

As I sit here, I am listening to everyone’s conversation && I’m just here lol
alone but it’s not the worst thing in the world

….

So going into the second hour && I’m a little over it.
&& pretty beat.

But I mean, what else is new.

…..

Still with the same drink that I just finished that was pretty much watered down from the ice since I’ve had it for so long.
Two hours in.

GO ME!

As I was thinking that it was time for me to leave after basically embarrassing myself by opening a tab to only have one drink in that many hours was kind of ridiculous to me.

I wish I was able to jump into conversations.
Maybe if I were drunk, but I wasn’t.
As I finished my drink, some older man across the bar from me waved.
Then said something I couldn’t hear.

Then the bartender came over && said that guy would like to buy me a drink.
I declined && closed out my lengthy tab.
Thanked the guy across from,
Signed my bill,
&& left.

I would of taken a second drink but I also had to pee.

I had to piss ..lol
Yea I think I like that word better.

So I opted to leave.

I know that some were probably trying to figure out why I was so quiet, or maybe why I was even alone.
I am pretty sure that is what that guy was saying.

GO ME!

Anyways…
I am glad that I did something out of my comfort zone.
I think the experience will help me be able to go out more && feel not so alone when in fact I am there alone.
&& it will be okay.

Face your fears

xoxoLaLa

Just Wait

Lately I have seen a handful of people find someone.
People that have went “forever” beingΒ alone.

They seem to have found happiness all at once…
And that makes me happy

It makes me so happy to see other people happy.
It is sort of like a sense of hope,

a sense of worth.

Just all around exciting.

I often wonder when my turn will be.
No rush.
Just something I wonder…

Just thinking about it, makes me think of the little things that I miss…

So many little things….

Just thinking about them give me a small smile.
Oh man. Oh man. Oh man.
Happiness at its finest.

I wonder if I will ever be able to have that sort of happiness again…

It is one of those things that I feel like every single one of us goes through.
We can all often wonder things of that nature when we feel alone,
Or have been alone for a certain period of time.

I am no expert,
Obviously
But I know that things can happen.
Just don’t think about them so much, it will make it worst!

Believe me when I say..

That I have a list in my head,
in my mind,
in my soul

That I replay over and over and over again, each time with a smile bigger than the last

I will be worth it

xoxoLaLa

Stay Posi….

Drained.
Unhappy.
Hopeless.
Sad.
Having no feeling.
Just wanting to be loved.

Days like this are when we say “stay posi
It will all get better soon enough

I have beaten myself up over things that I have had no control over for so long,
&& I am just trying to figure out when it will all be over…

When will I be able to be completely happy again?
I still have yet to find out that answer 😦

&& you know, the only thing I would like to do is be able to make someones day,
I would love to know that someone smiled today because of me.

I just want to spread love, spread happiness..
(stay posi)

Here I sit just thinking about how I missed out on different opportunities because I was afraid..
Afraid to try something new,

Afraid to be happy.. .
&& most days I hate myself for that..
but there is nothing that I can do about it now.
Because..
I messed up and I missed out and I just see so many happy people but I can still never be apart of them.

I do not write for anyone but myself.
I speak words out loud to myself almost everyday after work or even before work.
I have 40 minutes each way to sit and think and just wonder…
Wishing that I could change everything

The days go by so fast and sleep takes over me,
With each day that passes I just seem to slip away more and more
Slower and slower with each day
It hurts.. it really does

(stay posi)

I’ve heard that a few years ago from someone who meant a lot to me.

I know where it came from and I knew what it meant

I can still try and look back to figure things out.

Try to find the right fit to the puzzle

The right combination to the safe

The correct way to think

The right words to say….

But I can’t.

I won’t.

I don’t want to go backwards

So I won’t

Stay posi

xoxoLaLa