Questioned

I know we are not together nor were we ever together or even be together for that matter.

So why am I here?
Why have I cared so much?
Why have I waited for you almost everyday just to hear something as simple as hi!?
You know the one thing that sucks the most is that being the kind of person that I am doesn’t get you anywhere!
Caring, loyal, honest, trustworthy etc… it’s all trash.. nothing but bullshit!
It’s all made up for people like me to be used && ignored and treated like nothing!

No feelings no emotions.
No nothing!

I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to let go.
Oh wait,
I know why..
…because I am me && I am not good enough for anyone.

Not worth anyone’s time… So why am I here?

Every time when I think something is going to get better it doesn’t, but why would it?
That would be way to easy.
There are times when I wish that I wasn’t the way that I am.
I guess I am a rare breed which only makes the most sense.
I’m not lucky enough to even feel happiness or feel like it is something to be worth being so different.
I rather not give a single fuck.
Like 99.8% of the world.
Unfortunately, there will be so many missed opportunities because my heart won’t let me leave the one that I really, really liked spending time with.
But that is just a memory now.
Left in the past..
Drifted away in the wind…

One that I don’t wish to read up on again because it would honestly hurt way too much.
I am at the point where I just want it to all go away.
I shouldn’t of been so blind for so long, because who knows, I could of been a lot happier by now….
But I am also afraid to write down certain things because they are the things that I don’t wish to remember or relive…
Where is that person who is suppose to tell me that everything is going to be alright!?

 

I guess that person doesn’t exist either.

xoxoLaLa

Stay Posi….

Drained.
Unhappy.
Hopeless.
Sad.
Having no feeling.
Just wanting to be loved.

Days like this are when we say “stay posi
It will all get better soon enough

I have beaten myself up over things that I have had no control over for so long,
&& I am just trying to figure out when it will all be over…

When will I be able to be completely happy again?
I still have yet to find out that answer 😦

&& you know, the only thing I would like to do is be able to make someones day,
I would love to know that someone smiled today because of me.

I just want to spread love, spread happiness..
(stay posi)

Here I sit just thinking about how I missed out on different opportunities because I was afraid..
Afraid to try something new,

Afraid to be happy.. .
&& most days I hate myself for that..
but there is nothing that I can do about it now.
Because..
I messed up and I missed out and I just see so many happy people but I can still never be apart of them.

I do not write for anyone but myself.
I speak words out loud to myself almost everyday after work or even before work.
I have 40 minutes each way to sit and think and just wonder…
Wishing that I could change everything

The days go by so fast and sleep takes over me,
With each day that passes I just seem to slip away more and more
Slower and slower with each day
It hurts.. it really does

(stay posi)

I’ve heard that a few years ago from someone who meant a lot to me.

I know where it came from and I knew what it meant

I can still try and look back to figure things out.

Try to find the right fit to the puzzle

The right combination to the safe

The correct way to think

The right words to say….

But I can’t.

I won’t.

I don’t want to go backwards

So I won’t

Stay posi

xoxoLaLa

 

Why Companionship?

Does that word mean anything?

It seems more like an old legend most days, to me anyways.
I’ve told myself time and time again that its not in the cards for me.
People can be so shady, most of the time if not all of the time.
It’s like honesty never existed and its a myth.
Something that my great great great great great great great great grandparents came up with..
(not really, but you get my drift)

But why?
Why do we want the comfort from another soul?
Why do we crave for that love? That attention…
Why do we feel those things as if they are needs?
Some of us might find ourselves doing something out of the normal just to get that attention… just to feel wanted by someone… who doesn’t give two fs about you.
To one day wake up and they walk out on you before you get the chance to..
It’s crazy.
It’s ridiculous.
It’s sad….
But it is real…

Feeling forgotten.
Feeling unloved.
Feeling like you don’t belong.
Feeling like nobody.
Feeling like the world doesn’t understand you.
Feeling like you have nothing.
Feeling lost.
Feeling damn near dead inside.
Feeling all the bad things you could ever dream imaginable…

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many times, personally, that I’ve sat around,
cancelled plans, came up with excuses to sit around hating everything and sulk in misery from what someone caused me, blaming myself for things that I could not control.
It sucked
It really sucked…

Just to maybe get the chance at happiness.
A chance to see what this life is all about.
A moment to feel happy.
To feel like I belonged somewhere..
To be loved..
Finally.

But…
More times I’ve been blown off instead.
Treated like nothing.
Completely ignored, forgotten
Like I literally wasn’t a person
Like I wasn’t a person with a beating heart, that had feelings….
I could never understand what I had done wrong.
What was wrong with me? (that was always the first thing that came into my head)
How can I fix this?
What can I do to change things?
Wishing I could turn back time…
Wishing I could make things right.. that were never meant to be that way… unfortunately

But the only thing that I really needed to be was something completely different
I needed to be stronger….
I needed to become the person that I once was many years ago
The person who was to young to care and only wanted to have a good laugh and stay up late
Playing board games and card games…
Way before I knew anything about “championships”

But,
The bad seed of people would come back again…
With the same lines and the same routine….
I always gave second, third even tenth chances…
I don’t know why I did….
I know…  why I did…
I just wanted to be wanted… but that was the wrong way to get that attention…
Why is it so bad to want that feeling?
Why does it seem like it is so rare to come across?
Is everyone really this shitty?
Who knows..
One day I will learn.
Lessons are learned everyday.
Some people just take a little longer to fully understand what is being taught.
I will get there one day
I promise I will….

I need to look out for myself, because no one else will do that for me
I have to look out for the bad and replace it with the good
I have to realize that not everyone is on my side..
I have to realize that I am not an option when everything else fails..
I have to see, I have to see that it is not the way to continue to live my life.

I have to be strong
I have to take control
I have to get my life back
I have to find the things that made me happy
I have to recover all that I have lost
I have to move forward, and never look back
I have to be a strong soul for myself and my family
I have to be the one who can inspire
I have to be myself
I have to put myself first
I have to say “Fuck the rest”

img_4080

xoxoLaLa