The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa

Devastation

Seeing something with your own eyes…

Knowing things that you shouldn’t know..

Lost of trust.

Lost of hope.

Left without any real feelings.

Feeling alone in a world filled with billions of people,

Just wondering why…

The hurt is so real && the pain feels so unimaginable,

Almost to the effect that it seems to be nothing but a dream…

Wondering if anything could ever leave your mind or will you be forever haunted by this..

Crying yourself to sleep only to wake up && cry your mornings away day by day.

Just sad.

Devastated.

Emotionless.

Tired.

Fed up..

Too many emotions && not enough explanation.

But who owes you one anyways?

There are certain things in this world that shouldn’t hit hard like they do,

But they do.

How does one prepare to try to move forward && not look back?

It makes you want to give up on everything.

Nothing matters.

Nothing at all.

——————————————————————

You feel like your not good enough && just a waste of space && time.

Someone prove you wrong.

Seeing a smile upon someone’s face when you know the truth behind it will break anyone’s soul.

A million questions flutter to your mind just begging to now why.

The pain is absolutely real,

But should you be feeling the way that you do?

It’s hard.

Trust me I know.

It always seems to be one thing after another && you never seem to be able to catch a break.

Happiness is a real thing.

Believe that..

Devastation is also a real thing.

Both hit hard when they are played.

The want to take back things.

The want to erase your memory for any kind of pain.

I’ve wanted that too many times to count…

Is it better to surround yourself with a ton of friends?

Or being alone to figure things out?

I wish I had that choice…

Maybe it would make things a little easier.

Already, there are so many things that I miss.

Always afraid that it will be over && I will never get to experience it again in my life.

Maybe it is just me…

Maybe this is why I am here…

To take as many shots && heartbreaks as I can while I’m still alive.

Maybe?

Maybe I am not meant for anything.

Maybe I’m just here.

For how ever long

Maybe…

I am not meant to figure anything out.

Just to test my strength being a “punching bag”

I don’t know.

I really wish I did.

But I don’t.

Thanks for listening…

I know this is something that shouldn’t effect me like it did.

But it happens && dealing with anything has its ups && downs.

I’ll take this one as a loss.

You win.

I thought this could possibly be a better year for me.

But I doubt it 🙁

xoxoLaLa

Like a Scene From the Movies

Where did I miss the turn?

When did it all go wrong?

Why haven’t I been able to see past all the things that have blinded me for so long?

I swear that I am not asking for a lot.

Just something.

Something small.

Something that some might even take for granted.

I swear sometimes I feel like I could be in a movie.

You know the kind where everything just falls in to place like an amazing big fat fairy tale.

But then always.

ALWAYS.

When I am about to get to the good part it stops working….

The connection is lost..

I am lost..

It is basically like the end of the world…

<——————————————————->

Don’t we all want to be someone’s favorite good morning && favorite good night?

Or is that just me?

Sometimes more often than planned..

I crave that attention..

Probably because I never get it!

But I do welcome it, just not to anyone though,

Should I be that person in the movies who goes after what they want?

Or be that person who waits for it all to come to them ?

Both sound pretty unsure.

Dammit

Let’s flip a coin && see if it will land on tails….

<——————————————————->

I always joke around && say that I will meet this person at the grocery.

We would be in the same aisle.

Reaching for the same item && actually touch hands &&

BOOM 

MOVIE GOLD

Then we have this great conversation && it turns out that we have a shit ton in common..
blah. blah. blah
&& live happily ever after….

lol

Well to be more specific.
We would be in the soup aisle.
You will be reaching for a soup near the top.. eh maybe like a cream soup
&& I will reach for the same one.
Knowing damn well I don’t eat soup..

lol

I was literally laughing the whole time while I wrote that last little bit,
(I just thought you would like to know that.)

#funfact

But man, I really don’t know.
I feel like I am always talk about the same kind of things in my posts. But it is all at different times in the year or month or day, it is just a “common” topic for myself.
(Again… this is basically my journal for you to get lost in..)

You know we all go through these things in life && sometimes revisiting it seems to shed more light on to somethings && it all makes sense again.

I am patiently “waiting”
Sort of becoming impatient because time is ticking away.

BUT

What can you really do, settling is not an option for this fool!

xoxoLaLa

 

Breaking the Cycle

I’ve always had such a hard time.

Breaking the Cycle

It is an annoying habit to have, but sometimes you have to just bite the bullet && do what is best for you. Sometimes you have to go outside of your “mind” && look at things from a different perspective. I can tell you right now that it will in no means be easy but I can almost guarantee that it will be worth it && your happiness will be even greater!

I know I sound like someone that is being paid to say this but I always say things on my blog that I can speak from && have experienced for myself. I want to reach out to as many people as I can because I feel that it is important to know who you are && to never lose yourself. Your happiness is the most important thing in this world that belongs to you. Well… one of the most && you get to control that!

Do not let someone, take that happiness from you.
Do not let someone take what is not theirs.
Do not forget who you are && what you are worth.
Do not let someone control your anything.
Do not let someone waste your time.

It literally takes seconds… SECONDS to respond to someone. Whether it is through face to face, phone or text, hell even anything on social media. It takes seconds..

More && more I notice how much people suck.
This generation of people suck ass crack on a hot sunny day.. Eggs are fucking cooked to no end, just straight filth.
Obviously, I cannot speak for anyone else other than myself. So that is what I am doing..
That is what I always been doing && no this is not me going off on a limb && making up the craziest accusations… It is just me being me. 🙂

Anywaysssssssssssss

How many people can say that they have been left on read?
How many people can say that they have left someone on read?
How many people have said yes to both but only recognize one as being wrong?
…aka the first question…
There is this issue within this “era” where people feel the need to build someone up just to break them down && loose all hope in something.. Maybe not all the time, but I believe that there is some hurt to everyone at all expense.

What gets me is when I see someone post about how all females are the same && all they do is post pictures half naked for attention, where are all the real woman at?

I hate this.

Number one reason being is that 99% of the time (that’s just my exact guess from experience) there is at least one good person in the bunch that you know but ignore.

Male or female we have all done it.
So why do we look all over when there is someone right under our nose?
Is it for the likes?
Is it for the attention?
Well, hell maybe you aren’t into that said person, which is fine.

But people are so quick to jump on the bandwagon && continue to make this generation worst than what it was yesterday. I can’t tell someone how many times I have reached out to people just to generally see how they are && got nothing back. People are full of excuses && it’s absolutely sad.

But can we really blame them? It is all a vicious cycle that seems to have no real purpose && have no real end. There is nothing that seems to make sense anymore. There is nothing that can be said to break this cycle.

Nothing.

One day I think we will all come to the realization of how we have made this world a personal living hell. For either ourselves or someone else. Again with no real reason.

It kind of takes me back to the whole, “Is it for the likes? The attention?” Possibly.

I guess just grab a bag of popcorn && watch us all try to get out of this.

Get out of this nonsense && break the cycle, Together.

xoxoLaLa

Afraid

This is the thing that scares me the most about my blog. 
I always want to write and make content entertaining enough for those who want to read it, but sometimes I can’t get the words out in the right kind of way.

It is like I am almost afraid to write,
Like I am going to discover something unknown or something weird like that
(I know, my mind has all kinds of tricks up its’ sleeve)

But anyways..

That is mainly why my post have been so scattered, just like my brain 90% of the time,
it’s crazy && I also don’t post unless I feel 200% confident about what I am putting out, (minus like my one blog that pretty much states that this post makes no sense. )

There was a time in my life where I had a somewhat steady YouTube Channel
Using steady in the way meaning that I uploaded regularly. 
There are times when I do miss it.

Moving forward,

So the other day, I was in my car, and started to vlog something.
I charged my camera while I was getting ready in the morning && decided to bring it along with me for the day.

This was finally it, I was going to make a video and possibly post it to my channel after a good year or more. I haven’t watched it back but I speak my mind when I feel the need to and rant to myself just to get it out of my head and into the space in front of me. 

None of it will probably make sense, but I am ready to not be afraid to put my thoughts into the world, in hopes someone can relate. 

(Even though with this blog I have been doing it this whole time.)

Thank you so much ☺️

&&

Enjoy! 

xoxoLaLa