Why the Fukk Do You Care?

LITERALLY!

One of the things that I have never seemed to fully come to terms with over the past..
Lets just say many years… πŸ™‚
… caring.. overthinking.. (perfect recipe for disaster right?) ha

See here is the thing;
We all think that we are so much different from everyone else,
&& that no one understands our struggles.. “struggles”

Like dude… I get it.. Life sucks sometimes, but what’s the point of taking all your energy && putting it towards something that doesn’t matter.

Something that will not get you ANY WHERE! Absolutely nowhere in this goddamn world! πŸ™‚
I struggle with that sometimes. So I can speak in it…
But not that often,
It seems to come out of no where && just fukk my whole life up.
Then I get stuck && start to think about life as a whole..
&& try to figure out if I even belong..

I know..
We all know..
Shit sucks
&& it is uber annoying…
But it is okay..
I promise.

I know that every time you are looking to reach out,
you can feel like there is no one there to hear you,
or want to hear you..
But here is the thing..
You have to do that yourself.

You have to be the one that has that kind of control over your life.
Ha like me so..
Literally not even an hour ago.
Driving.
Just thinking.
Music.
More thinking.
More driving

Random ass Sadness.

Then I just kind of started saying things out loud that I didn’t really think anyone would want to hear or understand.

But it fucking helped.

It made me realize somethings.. some more things to add on the list about myself.
It made me see that there are literally a trillion things wrong in this world && I am not one of those mothafuckersssss
It made me smile through my bullshit ass tears, (still don’t really know what made me so upset.)
It made me laugh.
&& it made me feel like I belonged to myself.
But…
One thing that we fail to realize is that,
PEOPLE
ARE
NOT
CREATED
TO
FILL
YOUR
HAPPINESS

Seriously,
Like sometimes you just got to take a bullet.
Look like a stupid fucker.
Get over it.
&& be your biggest supporter!

Another thing we fail to realize is that, you
YES.. you my friend… need to be your own cheerleader.
You have to be the one to make yourself happy.

Because..
Shit.. we are all out here taking all this time to create sadness or even pity for ourselves && focusing on literally something that doesn’t matter.. that never mattered.
Why the fuck do we care though?

Insecure?
Maybe for some?

Everyone has their own reasons,
but I feel like they are all very similar && definitely connect.

That is why I write…

There are times when I just sit && there is nothing but sadness filled in these words,
but for me..
I rather get them out in the open && out of my head.
Try to clear some room for the happiness I deserve.

Also,
Something to remember…
It is okay to be a little hard on yourself.
ITS IIGHT..

I can admit that I am stupid at times && look back wishing I could take things back..

But this is real life
&& not a fucking movie so that shit ain’t about to happen.

Now with that all being said..
I hope you were able to smile…
Maybe even laugh.. just a teeny tiny bit..
&& most importantly..
I hope you were able to take something positive away from my words…

Seriously,
Because your fucking dope.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Coming to Terms (Me Myself && I)

Sometimes, if not most of the time,
I hate that I am reminded of how alone I really am.
(I know, I know, I’m always rambling on about the same old thing, cry me a river. blah blah blah bullshit)

But seriously..

Not having that support system when you need it the most sucks.

It’s like when you feel like the world is against you && your left feeling all alone.

No one seems to be able to help, && you think that they will never understand how you feel. && it kind of hurts at times.

You think that they have no idea how there are so many things that can destroy a person.

But they do..

To think that hmm, not even family members or close friends can help you,
or be there for you because it is simply not the same thing.

But it is.

Your problems are not theirs!
So they can’t relate, or just choose not too?
You are the controller of your life.
No one is put on this earth to fix you!

But that’s life. && that is how we can think at times.

There are feelings that we get && sometimes we feel like it is just ourselves against everyone else, even when they are on our side.

We shouldn’t think that way.

I say it is me, myself && I because it is a fact.
I have been alone for years && slowly I am adjusting to it more && more each day
&& looking at the reality of what my life has become so far.

People like to say that you don’t need anyone to be happy..
Which is true to an extent, I think, but it is not always just about finding someone to make you happy…

It runs much deeper than that, && that is the thing that a lot of people seem to misunderstand…

It is about the feelings, all of them, the good, the bad && the ugly.
It is about the emotions. the happiness && the sadness.
It is about the support system, the ones that go both ways.
It is about cherishing moments that you might not have thought would ever happen if you didn’t find this other soul to take that journey with you.
It is about building. It’s about learning. It’s about living.

It isn’t just something that you can buy at the store.
It is something that just runs through your veins when everything just feels oh so right..
It is the joy we all wish to discover one day.
The life we want to lead…

Maybe.

But until then, it is just
Me, myself && I
Until we meet.
Until the time is right.
There is no need to rush.
Just take your time.

*If it is you, who feels alone.
Just remember it is not permanent.

xoxoLaLa

 

Love, Love

I love love.

I love seeing people happy together && just living the life they dreamed of.

Happy

I still wonder when I will be able to experience it for myself…
Love that is..

And I am half hopeful that it might happen to me one day.

One day πŸ™ƒ

Today I had two different people ask me if I was really single.

Like yes. Yes I am.

I’ve been. For such a long time now.

But who knows if it really shows.

I’m so hopeful at times. I watched a video today about not being afraid to move on from a bad relationship.

I haven’t really experienced that…As it resulting in a break up.

But it made me smile. because that this girl found someone. Found love.

Years after it happened && she never gave up on finding her happiness.

I do believe that it comes when you least expect it.

But what do I know.

I just keep smiling πŸ™‚

Keep waiting 😍

Keep wishing πŸ₯°

Keep hoping ☺️

Stay happy ❀️

Stay true 😁

 

xoxoLaLa

Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

My New Hobby

I have recently discovered something that I am so happy && excited to do.

I know it’s literally nothing super special but I bought myself a little grow kit for a cactus.

It hasn’t grown yet since it takes month but it was nice to just be able to grow something.

So the next week I bought another one because I was super excited && also decided to buy a flower one.

The flower pot has started to sprout.

&& that makes me UBER excited!!!

So today I was out because I was off.
I had something to get done && some plans that fell through…

(What else is new!? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ)

But I came across seeds to start growing anything. I have of course seen these way before time. But this time it was something that I actually got excited about.

Side note: excited is the word of the day/ of this blog. So feel free to have a shot every time I say that word. I promise I won’t take it overboard. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited.

But I picked up two flower packets && two herb ones. Trying to dabble in something new. Super excited to see how it will turn out.

I got some flower pots && plan to keep them in the kitchen. I don’t have a back yard to actually have an outdoor garden, which slightly saddens me..

I went to target to find some dirt which I got some recycled soil.

This is a new journey for me, it’s crazy that living so many years you can still find new interests to get excited about!

I cannot wait to see how these turn out because I AM SUPER DUPER MOTHAFUCKING EXCITED AS FUKK about this all…

Until next time, my favorite people! πŸ™‚

xoxoLaLa