Growth

So for the past week or so,

I have really been wanting to just sit down && write.. type.. whatever.. (you know what I mean… )

&& here I am finally doing it!

I don’t really have a “theme” for this post but I am just generally in a good mood.

Minus the fact of me being tired basically all week && today being the last day of a 7 day stretch, which I haven’t done in a while so it got me pretty damn good.

But between all that, I had a good week.

I have recently discovered that I like to look back on the little things that I have noticed about myself && see what else I can do.. to continue to find my ultimate happiness..

Just seeing how much I have changed in the last year alone is just kind of mind blowing to me. It is one of those things where I feel like change is good. It is something that I can be happy about.

Not that I did it on purpose or anything but I can appreciate a lot more things.

Time has always been a factor, (generally speaking)
But I feel like more recently, time is basically everything to me.
Time is one of those things where people can just waste it, or use it wisely.

I use it wisely.
I want to continue to make the most out of the time I am given.
No matter if it is very good or a little bad.

I always noticed by the day,
that it seems like I am just becoming less of an introvert && a shy person or a soft spoken person (Which soft spoken hasn’t been me in a very long time) but also a caring person.

I will be the person who will start a conversation.
Not because I am confident,
But because I have realized over time that somethings are not worth missing out on.
&& also that a lot of things are not that serious.. (to me anyways)

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy -Miss Frizzle 

But that is life.
I am still learning as a person && I don’t know if I will completely understand it all
But
One day I’ll get the hang of things && be able to form them into the way that I feel that they should fit.

It is all about growing.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Coming to Terms (Me Myself && I)

Sometimes, if not most of the time,
I hate that I am reminded of how alone I really am.
(I know, I know, I’m always rambling on about the same old thing, cry me a river. blah blah blah bullshit)

But seriously..

Not having that support system when you need it the most sucks.

It’s like when you feel like the world is against you && your left feeling all alone.

No one seems to be able to help, && you think that they will never understand how you feel. && it kind of hurts at times.

You think that they have no idea how there are so many things that can destroy a person.

But they do..

To think that hmm, not even family members or close friends can help you,
or be there for you because it is simply not the same thing.

But it is.

Your problems are not theirs!
So they can’t relate, or just choose not too?
You are the controller of your life.
No one is put on this earth to fix you!

But that’s life. && that is how we can think at times.

There are feelings that we get && sometimes we feel like it is just ourselves against everyone else, even when they are on our side.

We shouldn’t think that way.

I say it is me, myself && I because it is a fact.
I have been alone for years && slowly I am adjusting to it more && more each day
&& looking at the reality of what my life has become so far.

People like to say that you don’t need anyone to be happy..
Which is true to an extent, I think, but it is not always just about finding someone to make you happy…

It runs much deeper than that, && that is the thing that a lot of people seem to misunderstand…

It is about the feelings, all of them, the good, the bad && the ugly.
It is about the emotions. the happiness && the sadness.
It is about the support system, the ones that go both ways.
It is about cherishing moments that you might not have thought would ever happen if you didn’t find this other soul to take that journey with you.
It is about building. It’s about learning. It’s about living.

It isn’t just something that you can buy at the store.
It is something that just runs through your veins when everything just feels oh so right..
It is the joy we all wish to discover one day.
The life we want to lead…

Maybe.

But until then, it is just
Me, myself && I
Until we meet.
Until the time is right.
There is no need to rush.
Just take your time.

*If it is you, who feels alone.
Just remember it is not permanent.

xoxoLaLa

 

The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa

My New Hobby

I have recently discovered something that I am so happy && excited to do.

I know it’s literally nothing super special but I bought myself a little grow kit for a cactus.

It hasn’t grown yet since it takes month but it was nice to just be able to grow something.

So the next week I bought another one because I was super excited && also decided to buy a flower one.

The flower pot has started to sprout.

&& that makes me UBER excited!!!

So today I was out because I was off.
I had something to get done && some plans that fell through…

(What else is new!? 🤷🏽‍♀️)

But I came across seeds to start growing anything. I have of course seen these way before time. But this time it was something that I actually got excited about.

Side note: excited is the word of the day/ of this blog. So feel free to have a shot every time I say that word. I promise I won’t take it overboard. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited.

But I picked up two flower packets && two herb ones. Trying to dabble in something new. Super excited to see how it will turn out.

I got some flower pots && plan to keep them in the kitchen. I don’t have a back yard to actually have an outdoor garden, which slightly saddens me..

I went to target to find some dirt which I got some recycled soil.

This is a new journey for me, it’s crazy that living so many years you can still find new interests to get excited about!

I cannot wait to see how these turn out because I AM SUPER DUPER MOTHAFUCKING EXCITED AS FUKK about this all…

Until next time, my favorite people! 🙂

xoxoLaLa

The Battle of Puebla

I think this subject comes up every so often when it comes to the holiday Cinco de Mayo.

Does anyone really know or even care how this became a holiday or what it even stands for?

My guess is going to be a lot of people do not know.

I rarely remember anything, especially when it comes to history.

I’ll snooze on through it.

But in all serious the Battle of Puebla was a thing && the reason why so many of us celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

It’s also kind of funny to me to think that there are so many people out there.. In the US who have this thing against other cultures. But from what I’ve seen, it all seems to go away when it comes to having a reason to drink.

Crazy isn’t it?

Now I don’t know a whole lot about the history of this holiday && I did not drink any tequila.. Sorry.

But I do know that it was considered a minor event that literally only took like 4 days.

&& on May 9th, Cinco de Mayo was declared a holiday.

Not to be confused with the independence of Mexico.

(Completely different time)

But anyways.

I hope everyone had a good day && if you chose to drink like myself, good for you.

Even though I am not super big on drinking. I figured today would be a good day to do so, just not go super crazy && keep it classic with myself && have a drink made with pineapple 😁

Happy Sunday/Cinco de Mayo!

xoxoLaLa