Thinking Out Loud

 

Where is the closure?

Where is the answers?

Where were you?

(..I am just thinking out loud…)

I know the best thing for me is not to dwell on the things that should be left where they have landed.

I know that for me to heal, I can’t question anything.

I have to let time takes its course..

I know it sucks. Like it really sucks.

I know that I am hating myself for falling back into the same rhythm over && over again.

I know that I miss it a lot when I know I shouldn’t.

I know I shouldn’t think about wanting to yell && curse. But I want to.

I want to do all the things that I know will only cause me further pain.

I know I want to just know why..

Why?

Just simply why?

I know that it is better to just leave things unanswered && to move forward.

I know it shouldn’t be this hard to get over something like this. But it is.

I have struggled to find happiness with myself for so long && seeking other things delayed me to achieve that.

Man it sucks. It really does.

(.. I am just thinking out loud..)

I hate that the world feels like it is going to end at any point.
Even though I know that’s false..

I know I will one day be able to live again && feel invincible.

I know that if I keep making up things for me to change my focus to, I will be better off.

I hate that I wanted this for myself.

I know that I wanted to make a change this year.

I didn’t know that it would of came so soon..

(.. just thinking out loud)

I can’t believe how real it has all become in the matter of weeks.

I lost myself for years && the light to guide me out is just no where in sight.

I know I have to push forward.

I know I have my life.

I know what I have to do.

I know I have to get to the light && take my life back.

I know it will be hard && I hate that.

But for this main purpose….

I have to do what I promised myself.

I will find my way.

I will find the light.

I will gain back my happiness.

For it will always stay in sight.

xoxoLaLa

The Curse of the Heart

There’s been way too many times where I felt like an idiot,

I am true to my sign and it is unfortunate… too me anyways,

How many chances is one willing to give and get nothing in return besides apologizes?

Why is it that I am the last thing that matters?

When nothing else is going on then maybe we can see what I’m up to or try to make time for me..

I don’t want to be anyone’s last option but here I am doing just that,

My heart is heavy && it seems like it’s not reversible. The damage is done.

No amount of bandages can patch up a wound this big…

No amount of sorries can make me feel loved again…

I have a heart.
I have a huge heart.
I have a heart that only wishes to please && get nothing in return.
Why?

Why am I like this?

Why is it always me?

Why can’t anyone see me for me?

Why do I have to be this way?

No one cares..

I spend my only day to do anything I can do, waiting on you.

Hoping with my heart filled with happiness,

Only for it to be taken away just as fast, like it never existed.

I am such an idiot for thinking anyone would want to take the chance to get to know me.

Have the chance to be happy,

&& feel loved.

Who was I kidding?

It is up to me to break the cycle…

but unfortunately, I don’t like to hurt people in that way && make them feel unwanted or ignore them….

Even though it happens to me more than it should.
I have a heart and it sucks 🙁

It is like a curse && there is no curing that.

💔😞

xoxoLaLa

The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa

My New Hobby

I have recently discovered something that I am so happy && excited to do.

I know it’s literally nothing super special but I bought myself a little grow kit for a cactus.

It hasn’t grown yet since it takes month but it was nice to just be able to grow something.

So the next week I bought another one because I was super excited && also decided to buy a flower one.

The flower pot has started to sprout.

&& that makes me UBER excited!!!

So today I was out because I was off.
I had something to get done && some plans that fell through…

(What else is new!? 🤷🏽‍♀️)

But I came across seeds to start growing anything. I have of course seen these way before time. But this time it was something that I actually got excited about.

Side note: excited is the word of the day/ of this blog. So feel free to have a shot every time I say that word. I promise I won’t take it overboard. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited. Excited.

But I picked up two flower packets && two herb ones. Trying to dabble in something new. Super excited to see how it will turn out.

I got some flower pots && plan to keep them in the kitchen. I don’t have a back yard to actually have an outdoor garden, which slightly saddens me..

I went to target to find some dirt which I got some recycled soil.

This is a new journey for me, it’s crazy that living so many years you can still find new interests to get excited about!

I cannot wait to see how these turn out because I AM SUPER DUPER MOTHAFUCKING EXCITED AS FUKK about this all…

Until next time, my favorite people! 🙂

xoxoLaLa

The Battle of Puebla

I think this subject comes up every so often when it comes to the holiday Cinco de Mayo.

Does anyone really know or even care how this became a holiday or what it even stands for?

My guess is going to be a lot of people do not know.

I rarely remember anything, especially when it comes to history.

I’ll snooze on through it.

But in all serious the Battle of Puebla was a thing && the reason why so many of us celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

It’s also kind of funny to me to think that there are so many people out there.. In the US who have this thing against other cultures. But from what I’ve seen, it all seems to go away when it comes to having a reason to drink.

Crazy isn’t it?

Now I don’t know a whole lot about the history of this holiday && I did not drink any tequila.. Sorry.

But I do know that it was considered a minor event that literally only took like 4 days.

&& on May 9th, Cinco de Mayo was declared a holiday.

Not to be confused with the independence of Mexico.

(Completely different time)

But anyways.

I hope everyone had a good day && if you chose to drink like myself, good for you.

Even though I am not super big on drinking. I figured today would be a good day to do so, just not go super crazy && keep it classic with myself && have a drink made with pineapple 😁

Happy Sunday/Cinco de Mayo!

xoxoLaLa