What is Writing…

Writing is the best form of communication for me.
It doesn’t mess me up. (It has my back.)
Or have me stumbling over my own words.
It doesn’t make me look stupid or embarrassed.
Or forget important information that could be lost in the heat of a communication.

Writing to me is so powerful.
Its form really does take all!
It is beautiful in all of its glory.
&& gives all the readers a chance to take things in a new light…
Set their own tone.

Writing is there when no one else seems to be…

Writing is love.
Love that is always there for you when you need it the most.
This form fills your heart.
It makes you happy.
It makes you feel so hopeful, like nothing in this world could stop it.
It has a heart that beats along with yours forever in tune.

Writing is so playful.
It can give you the hints of the world while keeping a smile on your face.
It can be one of the most memorable times because the memories would be forever.

Writing is sadness.
It will cause you extreme hurt, pain && doubt.
This writing would make you feel so alone.
So worthless.
So helpless.

Writing to me is a song.
The words can get stuck in your head && tangled in your thoughts.
It gives off a lovely melody to satisfy your mood.
The depth of the words can bring out the best or the worst in people.

Writing is a fight.
Everyone writes, but not everyone wins.

Writing is a lesson.Β 
That can only be learned with commitment && time.

Writing is me.

xoxoLaLa

 

Growth

So for the past week or so,

I have really been wanting to just sit down && write.. type.. whatever.. (you know what I mean… )

&& here I am finally doing it!

I don’t really have a “theme” for this post but I am just generally in a good mood.

Minus the fact of me being tired basically all week && today being the last day of a 7 day stretch, which I haven’t done in a while so it got me pretty damn good.

But between all that, I had a good week.

I have recently discovered that I like to look back on the little things that I have noticed about myself && see what else I can do.. to continue to find my ultimate happiness..

Just seeing how much I have changed in the last year alone is just kind of mind blowing to me. It is one of those things where I feel like change is good. It is something that I can be happy about.

Not that I did it on purpose or anything but I can appreciate a lot more things.

Time has always been a factor, (generally speaking)
But I feel like more recently, time is basically everything to me.
Time is one of those things where people can just waste it, or use it wisely.

I use it wisely.
I want to continue to make the most out of the time I am given.
No matter if it is very good or a little bad.

I always noticed by the day,
that it seems like I am just becoming less of an introvert && a shy person or a soft spoken person (Which soft spoken hasn’t been me in a very long time) but also a caring person.

I will be the person who will start a conversation.
Not because I am confident,
But because I have realized over time that somethings are not worth missing out on.
&& also that a lot of things are not that serious.. (to me anyways)

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy -Miss FrizzleΒ 

But that is life.
I am still learning as a person && I don’t know if I will completely understand it all
But
One day I’ll get the hang of things && be able to form them into the way that I feel that they should fit.

It is all about growing.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

8:12PM… 8/11/2019

7:17PM 8/11/2019

Fuck.

Just F.U.C.K.

(&& here is the part where I just sit in silence
for a while trying to figure out what comes next..)

7:28PM 8/11/2019

..shits hard dude..

Over the last few days I thought about somethings.

A decent amount of things actually, somethings I’ve discovered that I liked..
&& others not so much…

Somethings made me think about a time that wasn’t the best.. (thinking wise)
I thought the older I got maybe the easier it would be to let go of some of
those weird habits that seem to stick around me…

Sort of like finding yourself 2.0 .. or something like that..

I remember one time I wrote someone something, because I thought they would
maybe appreciate it && be happy to read it… (but they didn’t, instead it was kind of like the complete opposite which really threw me off at the time…)

I don’t know where I was going with that..

I am just trying to write.
But also trying to avoid something possibly bigger.
The fear that I have with myself.
The fear of acknowledging something that I always seem to try to avoid.

Writing helps me a lot.

Even when I debate about doing it over && over.
It’s that fear I was talking about.

I had this revelation (so to speak)

About something that has been affecting me.. for the last few years
&& I never knew why, but more so recently the pieces were coming together.

I can find something that brings me joy.
Complete happiness.
… You know that kind that makes you feel like your walking on nothing.

But is it always a good thing?
Is it always true?

I find myself drowning my own self in anything I see positive
&& then realizing that I always seem to lose myself in all the madness… πŸ˜”

..every…single…damn…time…

So it is back to square one for me.

I don’t expect anyone to have a clue what I am talking about, but just to
know that I am trying my best to get through this crazy part in my life.

I don’t know why it is like this for me. I really don’t.
I can’t even tell if it is something that is in my head or whatever
&& that no one would even understand me.

..happiness can be the best thing in the world…
..happiness can be the first thing to bring you down…

I can’t tell if happiness is meant for me
I don’t want to keep losing myself by the smallest of distraction because
it is something that can make me feel whole && also something that has made me feel lost…

8:09PM 8/11/2019

Loneliness comes to mind.
Loneliness seems to be the only thing that really makes sense to me.
I dont understand alot of things && when I do. I over shoot it.

&& throughout it all.
I am always reminding myself.
Happiness comes. Happiness goes.
Reminded so much of how lonely you can feel in a world filled with people..
Why…

..every…single…damn…time…

Forever && always

πŸ”ŽπŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

xoxoLaLa

The Greatest Fight

I’ve been fighting like hell lately.

Battling things that I didn’t want to come to terms with && now,

Now I don’t have a choice but to face them head on.

I’m struggling. I’ve been. But I’ve been ignoring all the signs.

My confidence is at an all time low.

I’m afraid for myself && I’m fighting to not let this take over me anymore.

Coming to the realization that things will not always work out && that people don’t care.

Others will be at their worst thinking that it is their best.

Saying anything to make you think something that is false.

Being lied to. Is like a spit in the face && it can break those who are not strong enough.

Those who have to fight to be good again.

Those who have to start all over again.

Those who can’t figure out the right way to build themselves up again…

Not everyone is going to want to speak to you or be with you or be around you.

No one thinks the same way you do or has your same thoughts or reactions as you do.

That’s what makes us all unique but we can’t beat ourselves up over it.

I have this friend. My best friend of many years.

I go to her when I really need to hear the truth.

I know that dealing with anyone can be difficult && seem annoying.

I know that I can be that way && I have accepted that.

I think the thing that keeps our friendship where it is, is the honestly.

Brutally honest she is.

I know she tells me things for me to know.

I go to her for advice for certain issues.

She helps me even if she feels I won’t listen.

I do. I just take it in a different way.

I appreciate someone like that in my life, because when it is all said && done,

I know that I have her, && she has me.

I’ve been fighting like HELL

To try to keep myself sane && grounded for the last few days.

I think there is a lot that I need to figure out on my own.

Things that I need to really look at && take seriously.

The pain I feel at this current moment is unbelievably numb.

Unreal. Unwanted. Unloved. Unnecessary.

&& incredibly numb.

I want to be numb to all emotions.

Numb to all things around me.

I want to escape to a place where no one will be able to find me.

But am I really surprised?

Was this all something that has been forced && now I don’t want to let this go?

Do I really feel bad?

Do I really need this?

Do I really want this?

This fight?

I don’t want it.

I don’t need it.

But I have to figure it out.

I have to be the kind of person who can figure out my own problems &&

Come up with the best solution revolving around myself..

I fear that I will look back on this shit one day && feel nothing but sadness

I do not want to lose this battle.

I won’t give up without a fight.

The fight is within myself.

Others are just the audience..

xoxoLaLa

The Battle of Puebla

I think this subject comes up every so often when it comes to the holiday Cinco de Mayo.

Does anyone really know or even care how this became a holiday or what it even stands for?

My guess is going to be a lot of people do not know.

I rarely remember anything, especially when it comes to history.

I’ll snooze on through it.

But in all serious the Battle of Puebla was a thing && the reason why so many of us celebrate Cinco de Mayo.

It’s also kind of funny to me to think that there are so many people out there.. In the US who have this thing against other cultures. But from what I’ve seen, it all seems to go away when it comes to having a reason to drink.

Crazy isn’t it?

Now I don’t know a whole lot about the history of this holiday && I did not drink any tequila.. Sorry.

But I do know that it was considered a minor event that literally only took like 4 days.

&& on May 9th, Cinco de Mayo was declared a holiday.

Not to be confused with the independence of Mexico.

(Completely different time)

But anyways.

I hope everyone had a good day && if you chose to drink like myself, good for you.

Even though I am not super big on drinking. I figured today would be a good day to do so, just not go super crazy && keep it classic with myself && have a drink made with pineapple 😁

Happy Sunday/Cinco de Mayo!

xoxoLaLa