Category: 2019

Growth

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So for the past week or so,

I have really been wanting to just sit down && write.. type.. whatever.. (you know what I mean… )

&& here I am finally doing it!

I don’t really have a “theme” for this post but I am just generally in a good mood.

Minus the fact of me being tired basically all week && today being the last day of a 7 day stretch, which I haven’t done in a while so it got me pretty damn good.

But between all that, I had a good week.

I have recently discovered that I like to look back on the little things that I have noticed about myself && see what else I can do.. to continue to find my ultimate happiness..

Just seeing how much I have changed in the last year alone is just kind of mind blowing to me. It is one of those things where I feel like change is good. It is something that I can be happy about.

Not that I did it on purpose or anything but I can appreciate a lot more things.

Time has always been a factor, (generally speaking)
But I feel like more recently, time is basically everything to me.
Time is one of those things where people can just waste it, or use it wisely.

I use it wisely.
I want to continue to make the most out of the time I am given.
No matter if it is very good or a little bad.

I always noticed by the day,
that it seems like I am just becoming less of an introvert && a shy person or a soft spoken person (Which soft spoken hasn’t been me in a very long time) but also a caring person.

I will be the person who will start a conversation.
Not because I am confident,
But because I have realized over time that somethings are not worth missing out on.
&& also that a lot of things are not that serious.. (to me anyways)

Take chances, make mistakes, get messy -Miss Frizzle 

But that is life.
I am still learning as a person && I don’t know if I will completely understand it all
But
One day I’ll get the hang of things && be able to form them into the way that I feel that they should fit.

It is all about growing.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Why the Fukk Do You Care?

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LITERALLY!

One of the things that I have never seemed to fully come to terms with over the past..
Lets just say many years… 🙂
… caring.. overthinking.. (perfect recipe for disaster right?) ha

See here is the thing;
We all think that we are so much different from everyone else,
&& that no one understands our struggles.. “struggles”

Like dude… I get it.. Life sucks sometimes, but what’s the point of taking all your energy && putting it towards something that doesn’t matter.

Something that will not get you ANY WHERE! Absolutely nowhere in this goddamn world! 🙂
I struggle with that sometimes. So I can speak in it…
But not that often,
It seems to come out of no where && just fukk my whole life up.
Then I get stuck && start to think about life as a whole..
&& try to figure out if I even belong..

I know..
We all know..
Shit sucks
&& it is uber annoying…
But it is okay..
I promise.

I know that every time you are looking to reach out,
you can feel like there is no one there to hear you,
or want to hear you..
But here is the thing..
You have to do that yourself.

You have to be the one that has that kind of control over your life.
Ha like me so..
Literally not even an hour ago.
Driving.
Just thinking.
Music.
More thinking.
More driving
Random ass Sadness.

Then I just kind of started saying things out loud that I didn’t really think anyone would want to hear or understand.

But it fucking helped.

It made me realize somethings.. some more things to add on the list about myself.
It made me see that there are literally a trillion things wrong in this world && I am not one of those mothafuckersssss
It made me smile through my bullshit ass tears, (still don’t really know what made me so upset.)
It made me laugh.
&& it made me feel like I belonged to myself.
But…
One thing that we fail to realize is that,
PEOPLE
ARE
NOT
CREATED
TO
FILL
YOUR
HAPPINESS

Seriously,
Like sometimes you just got to take a bullet.
Look like a stupid fucker.
Get over it.
&& be your biggest supporter!

Another thing we fail to realize is that, you
YES.. you my friend… need to be your own cheerleader.
You have to be the one to make yourself happy.

Because..
Shit.. we are all out here taking all this time to create sadness or even pity for ourselves && focusing on literally something that doesn’t matter.. that never mattered.
Why the fuck do we care though?

Insecure?
Maybe for some?

Everyone has their own reasons,
but I feel like they are all very similar && definitely connect.

That is why I write…

There are times when I just sit && there is nothing but sadness filled in these words,
but for me..
I rather get them out in the open && out of my head.
Try to clear some room for the happiness I deserve.

Also,
Something to remember…
It is okay to be a little hard on yourself.
ITS IIGHT..

I can admit that I am stupid at times && look back wishing I could take things back..

But this is real life
&& not a fucking movie so that shit ain’t about to happen.

Now with that all being said..
I hope you were able to smile…
Maybe even laugh.. just a teeny tiny bit..
&& most importantly..
I hope you were able to take something positive away from my words…

Seriously,
Because your fucking dope.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Closure

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I think I am ready to officially be done && close this chapter in my life.
It has been a long 3 years but I think it is better if it ended this way.
I know to you it doesn’t matter much, but to me, I rather have some sort of closure.
I swear it has taken me sooo long.. way too long to even say this && actually mean it.

For once it seems like the ball was in my court.
You gave me that power.
&& for once I never returned it back to you.
I let it in limbo for a while now, you may not know this but I do.

Even thinking about certain things it makes me feel a little uneasy.
But it makes it a little better that I still hold control.
Just thinking about how different things can be for me, makes me smile a little more.

I no longer feel like I am obligated.
I no longer feel like I am being controlled.
I no longer feel like an option.
I no longer feel false hope, when we both knew the truth.

I can’t even lie && say that I am completely over it && its out of my head.
Because I am not. It still hangs around me unfortunately.
That fear is still there…
That fear of me losing myself again.. && all for what?
To be miserable?
To be alone?
To feel destroyed?

I have held back.

(until now)

I hate that thinking about it makes me question things.
Question them in a way that ends up being my fault.
But I know its not.
I seriously lost myself.

For way too long.
Happiness wasn’t a real things.
It was more like a mirage or something.
Just a click of a switch && it was back to your way.
Stupid.

I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to look or wonder what if.
I never wanted to.
The feeling of loneliness can give you so many false images.
I hate that.

But I think I am finally going in the right direction.
Not so many sleepless nights.
Nights hoping to hear from you knowing I wouldn’t.
So many times.
So many excuses.

Never mattered.
I never mattered.
&& now I can say.
That I don’t even care.

This is my closure.
This is my truth.
This is my life.

xoxoLaLa

 

 

Coming to an End

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Sometimes it is hard to believe that I keep falling for the same BS people dish out to me. I’ve been blown off && forgotten about more times than I would like to admit.

But it’s true

I kind of hate how I am. A true Pisces.

&& it can be super annoying
because at the end of the day I still care && don’t want to hurt anybody on that level….
While it has always seems to happen to me && then I am stuck there left alone.
Left on Read.
&& ignored like nothing happened …

Three strikes && your out.
But yet I keep stepping back up to the plate..

I want to be happy. I really do but I don’t know why I keep letting others put me down.
I am stronger than that && I have to learn that it is okay to hurt others.. to a degree…
&& to speak my mind even if it is something that they are not going to want to hear.
&& that is one of my fears..

I am already all alone.
My life is pretty bland.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Nothing.

But people will make it seem that way.
I have always dropped or changed things around that I wanted to do just to get the chance to hangout with someone I was looking forward to seeing.
&& in return… it is never that way. I hate it.

I need to change the way I am.

I have to stop letting others get the best of me.

I have to be a stronger person because I do not need them.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t enjoy my company.

I don’t need anyone that doesn’t respect me enough to speak what’s on their mind instead of leading me on.

I don’t need or want false hope.

I would just like to be treated the way that you would want someone to treat you.

&& I don’t think it is that much to ask for honestly.

I think no matter what I will still always have a good heart.

Just not for you anymore.

4ver && always
xoxoLaLa

Questioned

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I know we are not together nor were we ever together or even be together for that matter.

So why am I here?
Why have I cared so much?
Why have I waited for you almost everyday just to hear something as simple as hi!?
You know the one thing that sucks the most is that being the kind of person that I am doesn’t get you anywhere!
Caring, loyal, honest, trustworthy etc… it’s all trash.. nothing but bullshit!
It’s all made up for people like me to be used && ignored and treated like nothing!

No feelings no emotions.
No nothing!

I don’t understand why it is so hard for me to let go.
Oh wait,
I know why..
…because I am me && I am not good enough for anyone.

Not worth anyone’s time… So why am I here?

Every time when I think something is going to get better it doesn’t, but why would it?
That would be way to easy.
There are times when I wish that I wasn’t the way that I am.
I guess I am a rare breed which only makes the most sense.
I’m not lucky enough to even feel happiness or feel like it is something to be worth being so different.
I rather not give a single fuck.
Like 99.8% of the world.
Unfortunately, there will be so many missed opportunities because my heart won’t let me leave the one that I really, really liked spending time with.
But that is just a memory now.
Left in the past..
Drifted away in the wind…

One that I don’t wish to read up on again because it would honestly hurt way too much.
I am at the point where I just want it to all go away.
I shouldn’t of been so blind for so long, because who knows, I could of been a lot happier by now….
But I am also afraid to write down certain things because they are the things that I don’t wish to remember or relive…
Where is that person who is suppose to tell me that everything is going to be alright!?

 

I guess that person doesn’t exist either.

xoxoLaLa